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Worldwide Manhunt Ordered to Find Sony’s Balls


by uncle romulus


When the DCN first learned that Sony was making a movie about an assassination plot on the life of North Korean dictator, Kim Jong Un [sic], we thought, why not take all that money and pay someone to really assassinate him instead? Wouldn’t that be vastly more entertaining than subjecting ourselves to another Seth Rogen or James Franco movie? Not to say that their movies are terrible (they are), but viewers must admit those two are beginning to beat the dead Korean horse (not to be confused with the asian delicacy). And if Li’l Kim is anything like his father – a short, fat and yellow [expletive] – we’d all be much better off without him. Of course, such an endeavor would contradict everything the US stands for and would be completely uncharacteristic of any extracurricular activities in which the US government has previously engaged.

Fortunately, the non-fictitious plot surrounding the film has thickened to heights unachievable by Sony, Rogen and Franco. In June of this year, North Korea complained to the United Nations that the upcoming film, The Interview, promoted terrorism against their country – something that the North Korean government is perfectly capable of on their own. At the risk of being considered xenophobic and geographically ignorant, the DCN cannot pass up the opportunity to classify this accusation as the equivalent of the pot calling the kettle Pol”. When the UN did absolutely nothing (what they are best at) to address the egregious act by Sony, North Korean hackers, known only as Krackers, spent the next six months trying to guess the admin password for Sony’s servers.

Last week the Krackers succeeded in gaining access to Sony’s servers releasing confidential emails and several movie projects that had been previously unreleased including a historically inaccurate remake of the 1982 film, Annie, starring Jamie Foxx. (After his Oscar-winning performance of a blind pianist, we can’t wait to see his interpretation of an adolescent, ginger girl.) The group also threatened to attack any theaters that screened the movie. The threat by Krackers prompted Sony Executives to make a difficult decision: 1) Go forward with the release like Champions of Freedom and illustrate the values we all claim to have as Americans, or 2) Pull the film like a bunch of [expletive] cowards.

Sony’s decision to publicly soil their britches in terror has drawn sharp criticism from even President Obama, himself. (Dare we revisit the pot and the kettle?) To add MSG to injury, North Korea has denied any involvement in the hacking and is now proposing a “joint-investigation” with the US to uncover the identities of the real hackers with the added caveat that US refusal to cooperate will have “serious consequences.” The transparent ridiculousness of this offer can only be likened to O.J. Simpson’s promise to the Goldman family to continue his search for the “real killer.”

When in the history of our nation have we willingly allowed a foreign entity to repress our Freedom of Speech? Granted, this was a decision made by a corporation (who is now trying to pin the blame on theaters for refusing to screen the film if/when released). Are we to clear all future works of satire with one of the most backwards and crazy governments the world has ever known? The DCN implores Sony, the MPAA and theaters across America to take some time off for the holidays, spend it with your families and realize that everything you hold dear to you was made possible by people who are rolling over in their graves at your cowardice. Grow some balls, make a 180-degree turn and tell North Korea to “[expletive] off!” Merry [expletive] Christmas from the DCN!





Dark Corner Church Allows Ash Burial

ebenzer pools

Dark Corner, SC – The First Two Square Five Points Calvinist Church announced plans to allow the interment of ashes on their property. Their decision was prompted by the recent widening of Big Rut Road beside the church’s cemetery which cut into available space to bury church members.

The road widening project, the first of its kind in the county to add moped lanes, was necessary because of the increased number of moped riders in the Dark Corner. G. G. Dill, a frequent rider and president of the DC Likker Sickle Club praised the road project, “They’s a lot of people ridin’ these days with this economy goin’ on. People losin’ their jobs, gettin’ drunk, losin’ their driver’s licenses’ and all. Then they’s these young un’s just a ridin’ for pleasure, you know what I mean. This new moped lane keeps them out of trouble and in the road where they belong.”

The decision by the church was not without controversy. Though the minister and elders agreed on the concept, the manner of handling the ashes was hotly debated.  The Rev. Lester Tewksberry, along with several elders wanted a pool of remembrance where the ashes could be sprinkled. He commented, “Just imagine what it would mean to a life-long Calvinist to know that they were sprinkled at birth then sprinkled at death. It’s that whole circle thing.” Designed with a self-cleaning feature, the pool could handle an infinite number of burials. The pool would also have a whirlpool option if you wanted to give your loved-one a flushing effect.

An opposing group of elders favored a more traditional approach. A preliminary design presented at the meeting showed a metal storage unit with multiple rows and columns of doors. Each door featured a lock with a coin slot and removable key. The design borrowed heavily from the types of small locker units found at bus stations. One goal of the design was to allow for both short term and long term storage of loved ones. The storage design was also projected to raise more revenue than the pool design. Elder Hoot Wooten pointed out, “Just think of the convenience of having short-term storage options for your loved ones. I mean, daddy gets killed drunk driving one night. You know how these things are. He’s dead, layin’ there in the road, mopeds speedin’ by and you don’t know what to do with him. This way you can just feed some dollars into the locker of your choice, put his ashes inside and come get him when the shock wears off. You just have to remember to put more dollars in each month or he will expire . . . again.”

The final vote was 5 to 4 with the church committee going with the pool option. Tewksberry said, “The final vote swung our way when somebody had the idea that the church youth’s could play in the pool during the summertime. We’ll just have to figure out a way to keep them from wearing out that flush handle.”

The Bells of St. Ebenezer


Dark Corner, SC – Not to be outdone by the recent decision of The First Two Square Five Points Calvinist Church to allow the internment of ashes on their property, another local church has jumped on the liturgical bandwagon.

St. Ebenezer Community Church and Masonic Lodge added the tolling of bells to their daily rituals. Some nearby residents were caught off guard by the ubiquitous bell tones.

“I was lettin’ my dogs out, when I heard these chimes playing What a Friend We have in Jesus” said Leon Dillweed. “I thought it was Jesus ringing my doorbell and the rapture happenin’ until I noticed that it was coming from the church. That was a relief.”

The bell ringing decision took 25 deacon meetings over a period of 2 weeks. Reginald Turtlewood, the chairman of the deacon board, stated that the debate centered on two issues: whether to build an actual bell tower with real bells or just install a loudspeaker in the new electronic sign.

The board was leaning toward building the tower until someone pointed out that “Big Chief” Henson, the last church member with a hunchback, had died several years ago and they had no one to ring the bells.

An agreement was reached to pursue the sign option when it was pointed out that the electronic chimes from the sign could also be played during ash internments if that was ever pursued. As one deacon pointed out “We put in that designated smoking area for the deacons several years ago. It’s right beside the sign. People could just throw the ashes of their departed loved ones there amongst the cigarette butts.”

Smothered, Covered and Skeeted

waffle house


by uncle romulus


A gunman attacked a Greer, Waffle House early Saturday morning wounding at least 12 and creating a “big [expletive] mess,” authorities said. The DCN was able to piece together a timeline from witness accounts, police reports and general assumptions about the behavior of people who frequent that particular Waffle House. The man police say opened fire inside the Waffle House may have been planning the attack for several months.

Suspect Larry Z. Bisko, 48, is accused of wounding 12 people and causing $243.74 in damages according to police reports. He is also alleged to have rigged his trailer with sophisticated booby traps so that whoever entered it would trigger a trip wire that banged a bunch of pots and pans around.

Bisko received a high volume of deliveries over the past four months to both his home and work addresses, which police believe begins to explain how he got his hands on hundreds of clay pigeons, said police chief, Wyatt Derp.

According to eyewitnesses, Bisko entered the Waffle House around 3:35am and went directly to the jukebox. He then exited the building and went back to his truck where he grabbed a clay pigeon thrower and two bags full of skeet. From there, Bisko reentered the Waffle House and opened fire.

“There was skeet flying everywhere. It was one explosion after another. I got hit in the eyes and mouth. I couldn’t see anything for a good minute,” said Rhonda “Rhon” Pittman, a Greer male-woman (not a misspelling), “but we’ll recover. Only the strong survive.” She later added, “I hope that [expletive] burns in hell for this.”

“I knew something was up when I seen him put five dollars in the jukebox but only select two songs,” recalled part-time bounty hunter, Wendall “Dollar” Osteen. It was during the second song, Kinky Friedman’s, They Ain’t Makin’ Jews Like Jesus Anymore, that Bisko began firing.

“At first it was one clay pigeon at a time, but then he started loading three at a time on the high capacity throwing arm. It was god-awful. We was catchin’ shrapnel left and right. People was hidin’ under booths. One fella dove over the bar and half way into the deep fryer.” Mr Osteen continued, “If it wasn’t for ‘Cool Breeze,’ we’d all be dead. Or worse.”

The man who Mr Osteen was referring to is Waffle House head chef, Lamont “Cool Breeze” Jackson – the man, according to eyewitnesses, who disarmed Bisko by throwing a plate that smashed into his face.

“I was smoking a cigarette in the bathroom when I heard all this bangin’ and carryin’ on. When I come out I seen this crazy [expletive] with some kinda rocket launcher goin’ crazy on folks. I said, hell naw. I ain’t gettin’ killed by no redneck [expletive] with no [expletive] rocket launcher. That’s when I grabbed the plate. I knew I only had one shot so I grabbed the greasiest plate I could – the grease make it fly faster – and I hit that [expletive] right in his [expletive] face.”

Surveillance footage showed about a dozen people kicking Bisko in the head and abdomen after he was knocked unconscious by the plate. However, several eyewitnesses confirmed that “that didn’t happen.”

At least 6 victims of the shooting remained hospitalized Saturday – 3 in critical condition (due to blood alcohol levels) and one in stable condition with third-degree deep fryer burns. Grief counselors visited local high schools on Monday and the city is planning a pig pickin’ on Saturday to raise money for skeet violence awareness.

President Obama traveled to Greer on Sunday to meet with the victims and their families to offer his support. He spoke eloquently of hope in a time of loss and of how the braveness of one man saved the lives of many. Unfortunately, most of the victims and their families were too hungover to attend and “Cool Breeze” had to work a double shift.

On Monday, Vice President Biden told reporters that the Waffle House attack should push lawmakers to address the “epidemic” of clay pigeon thrower violence. The following day, President Obama revealed his clay pigeon control plan, which included renewing the assault pigeon thrower ban, universal background checks on all thrower buyers, and restrictions on the length of the thrower arm.

Carl Perkins, owner of The Gun Store in Greer, explained to the DCN that longer thrower arms allow shooters to place up to three clay pigeons at a time on the arm.  These three-round bursts can be unpredictable and many injuries have resulted because of them.

“When you put three on, one will fly this way, one will fly that way. Heck, one even hit me in the back. I swear that was Billy, but he said it was the thrower.”

However, the thrower arm restrictions may do little to curb the three round burst problem. Perkins explained how, with a slight modification, one could stack three pigeons on a short thrower arm and cause as much damage, if not more.

“I, myself, have only seen that done once. It’s extremely dangerous. It’s about like taking the stick off a bottle rocket, lighting it and throwing it in the air. You know what we call those?”

If you don’t know, the DCN isn’t going to tell you.


The Fiscal Pfft


Congress has a history of waiting until the last minute to reach agreements that they could have and should have reached months earlier. Prolonging these decisions enables the mainstream media outlets to have a field day terrorizing Americans, especially after an Orwellian government advisory group, the Metaphor Utilization and Standardization Board, christened our so-called crisis the “Fiscal Cliff.” (What is the quickest way to get Congress to perform its job? Make it seem as if we’re all going to die if it does not).

Although the steady economic growth the US has been experiencing would have been impeded in the short-term if Congress had stood by while the Bush Tax cuts expired, the long-term effects would have done more to reduce our deficits than the plan they did pass. Nevertheless, the Fiscal Cliff debacle was no crisis when compared to the economic projections for the next decade.

According to the December jobs report, unemployment is holding at 7.8%. With job growth at it’s current rate unemployment will struggle to make it below 6% by 2022. According to economic projections the US is scheduled to run up $10 trillion over next ten years. As Ted, the bellhop from the movie Four Rooms, put it, “Problem? I haven’t got a problem. I’ve got [expletive] problems. Plural.”

(Enter Congress: some stage left; some stage right; some late stages of insanity)

After weeks of posturing, idle threats, party infighting, take-backs, no take-backs, double-dog daring and pinky swearing Congress has managed to pass a tax plan that solves absolutely none of our impending problems. Nor does it address them in any significant ways. But the real story isn’t of how the political figureheads failed to accomplish anything of merit but of how a group of congressional staffers almost did

According to Bob Woodward of the Washington Post, the five staffers challenged to come up with a plan to reduce the deficit by $1.2 trillion had actually done so over a year ago:

The five staffers struggled for a week. In my files is a one-page, typed document dated Oct. 23, 2011, showing that they essentially reached agreement. The Republicans had a total deficit reduction of $1.2 trillion and the Democrats had $1.24 trillion — a difference of $40 billion, not much.

Those cuts would have amounted to significant progress in reducing our debt-to-income ratio. What we’ve been gifted instead is a plan consisting of $737 billion in reductions ($618 billion of that coming from higher taxes on the rich).

So, here we stand in the wake of the suspenseful Fiscal Cliff saga with nothing resolved. Sure, most of our taxes didn’t go up, but celebrating that, given our economic situation, would be like celebrating the news of only having to make the minimum monthly payment on a multi-million dollar credit card bill. Both parties have allowed their extreme elements to drive the fiscal bus off the fiscal road and into the fiscal ditch while there were five perfectly good and sober drivers sitting in the passenger seats. Nice job, idiots. NEWS FLASH: Politicians are only good at getting elected. They should leave the thinking and problem-solving to the nerds who do it so well.

If we are going to seriously address and solve America’s problems then we’re going to have to shake out the ideologues from both parties and replace them with rational adults who understand the art of and science behind delegation of responsibilities. In the meantime, the Metaphor Utilization and Standardization Board should be picking out a name for the looming debt-ceiling debacle. How about the Death Ceiling or The Walking Debt?




Happy Lappy


A Letter from Happy Lappy Stores CEO By Donnie Glover, the founder and CEO of Happy Lappy Stores, Inc.

When my family and I started our company 4,000 years ago, we were working out of a garage on a twenty-rock bank loan, assembling perpetual motion machines – like those birds that bob up and down drinking out of your water glass. Our first retail store wasn’t much bigger than most people’s private helicopter landing pads, but we had faith that we would succeed if we lived and worked according to God’s word. From there, Happy Lappy has become one of the nation’s largest PMS (Perpetual Motion Supply) retailers, with two locations across Lyman-Duncan-Startex-Welford. Our children grew up into drug addicts and philanderers, and, in spite of that, we run Happy Lappy together, as a dysfunctional family.

We’re Christians, and we run our business on Christian principles. I’ve always said that the first two goals of our business are (1) to run our business in harmony with God’s laws, and (2) to make an ungodly amount money. And that’s what we’ve tried to do. We close early so our employees can see their families at night. We keep our stores closed on Sundays, one of the week’s biggest shopping days, so that our workers and their families can enjoy a day of rest. We don’t eat fish. We believe that it is by God’s grace that Happy Lappy has endured, and he has blessed us and our employees. We’ve not only added jobs in a weak economy, we’ve raised wages for the past four years in a row. Our full-time CEO makes 8,000,000% above minimum wage.

But now, our black president threatens to change all of that. A new government health care mandate says that our family business MUST provide what I believe are gluttony-enabling drugs as part of our health insurance. Being Christians, we don’t pay for drugs that might enable gluttony, which means that we don’t cover diabetes medications and supplies, cholesterol-lowering drugs, blood-pressure regulators, or any cardiac or blood thinning drugs prescribed as a result of clogged arteries. We believe doing so might enable people to continue to grow fatter than ever before; something that is contrary to our most important beliefs. It goes against the Biblical principles on which we have run this company since day one. If we refuse to comply, we could face $1.3 million PER DAY in government fines. So, Happy Lappy and my family are forced to make a choice. And we are not pro-choice.

With great reluctance, we filed a lawsuit today, represented by the Buckit Fund for Religious Liberty and Persecution, asking a federal court to stop this mandate before it hurts our business. We don’t like to go running into court, but we no longer have a choice. We believe people are more important than the bottom line and that honoring God is more important than turning a profit, but mostly because they’re fining us $1.3 million PER DAY.

My family has lived the American dream: Dusty Rhodes. We want to continue growing our company and providing temporary retail jobs for potheads and under-achievers, but the government is going to make that much more difficult. The government is forcing us to choose between following our faith and enabling people to become sweltering hogs of enormatron gigantasaurs. I say that’s a choice no American and no American business should have to make.

On January 5th, Happy Lappy is asking non-obese people who share our beliefs to show your support by spending money at our locations. I offer you this paraphrased excerpt in an attempt to kindle a fire inside you all (Kindle Fires 15% off January 5th ONLY):

This story shall the good man teach his son;
And January 5th shall ne’er go by,
From this day to the ending of the world,
But we in it shall be remembered-
We few, we Happy Lappy few, we band of brothers;
For he to-day that spends his wealth with me
Shall be my brother; be he ne’er so fat,
This day shall reduce his condition;
And gentlemen in Startex now-a-bed
Shall think themselves accurs’d they were not here,
And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks
That bought with us upon Saint Lappy’s day.

Since you will not see this covered in any of the liberal media, (WYFF, for example) pass this on to all your contacts.


Donnie Glover, CEO and Founder of Happy Lappy Stores, Inc.

Rick Santorum (part douche)

Fear is a primary motivator. Many times it trumps common sense. Just listen to the banter of weak-mindedness in the background of the video (The video has since been removed from YouTube due to “multiple third-party notifications of copyright infringement.”) Personally, I would be much more of afraid of the Santorum-supporting rabble than of any administration America has ever had, because I believe – given a little bit of provocation – that some of the people in that crowd would chop my head off. (This fear mongering sounds eerily familiar to the accusations of “death panels” within the healthcare bill that we have so fondly come to know as “Obamacare.” Did everyone forget about the death panels? So sorry to remind you.)

While there are numerous similarities between our current state of affairs and the environment that facilitated the French Revolution, to draw the conclusion that the purpose of the French Revolution was to “marginalize faith” is as staggeringly reductionist as claiming that the Bible is a story about a boy killing a giant with a slingshot; not to mention that Mr Santorum’s historical recollection is absolutely incorrect. One of the many purposes of the French Revolution was to remove the stranglehold that the corrupt Catholic Church had over public policy and in turn allow for religious freedom, which is entirely different from abolishing religion altogether.

It is ironic that a religious person would accuse Mr Obama, whom he insinuates is not religious, who – to the contrary – professes to be of the same religion as Mr Santorum (albeit a different denomination) of leading America down a path the end result of which is the beheading of religious people. The last time I checked my history books it was the religious people doing the lion’s share of the killing (in the name of their religions and with the support of their religious institutions no less). I don’t remember as many great crusades of atheists, let alone agnostics, raping, pillaging and looting cities throughout the chronicles of history. The Danes, the Greeks and the Romans had their religions; even the barbarians had paganism. Any way you slice it (forgive the pun) the overwhelming majority of large scale murder has been conducted by religious people. (Yes. There have been many atheist mass murderers including Joseph Stalin and Mao Tse Tung, but even Adolph Hitler claimed to believe in his own distorted version of Christianity. My point is not to claim that religious people are homicidal maniacs but that religion and morality are independent of each other.)

I know my argument (that religious people are responsible for a heaping mess of murder throughout history) in some asinine way reinforces Mr Santorum’s fear that Mr Obama (who, again, claims to be religious) could harbor the potential to kill on a mass scale, but until I see the shield wall forming on the horizon I am prepared to give Mr Obama the benefit of doubt. I would hope that Mr Santorum does not believe a word of what he is saying and instead is pandering to the innate fear held within a certain voting block of soft-headed nutters, but given his track record of absurdities it’s difficult for me to extend to him the same courtesy.

Is this the best the Republican party has to offer? Or is it Newt Gingrich? Or Mitt Romney? It seems as if the Republicans forgot to put in an order for new candidates last year and have resorted to digging through the toilet for anyone with a suit, a shave, a haircut and whitened teeth. At least they managed to flush Palin, Perry and Bachmann. Do we get better odds if we place our bets now for a landslide Obama victory or should we wait until closer to crunch time? What the [expletive], Republicans? What the [expletive]?

Rick Santorum

I’d like to begin this article by thanking Rick Santorum for running for President. Although the 2012 Presidential race has barely been inseminated, Mr Santorum has provided us with enough material to last through the third trimester and well into the arrival of our new president. Whether it’s abortion, homosexuality, the role of religion in society, the role of women in society or income disparity in the United States, Rick Santorum is quick to offer his dim-witted opinion to all who will listen. Below is a sample of past absurdities as well as a prognostication of things to come:

“One of the things I will talk about, that no president has talked about before, is I think, the dangers of contraception in this country…. Many of the Christian faith have said, well, that’s okay; contraception is okay. It’s not okay. It’s a license to do things in a sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be.” (Speaking, Oct. 18, 2011)

First of all, there’s a reason no president has talked about it before. I presume no previous president feared the dangers of contraception anymore than they feared the dangers of brushing their teeth (George Washington aside).

Secondly, it is one thing to hold the opinion that contraception is dangerous (there is a package insert with all prescription medications detailing their dangers) but to make the preposterous claim that people having sexual intercourse while using contraception is dangerous because it is “counter to how things are supposed to be” requires substantiation. His attempt at this is to claim that sexual intercourse is for “purposes that are, yes, conjugal… but also procreative… and that’s the perfect way” it should happen. He adds that without these conditions sex is “diminish[ed]” and “deconstructed” to mere “pleasure,” followed by adding that pleasure “is an important part of [sex]. Don’t get me wrong.”

As Mr Santorum’s stream of consciousness begins to contradict itself he concludes his argument with the only rational point he makes. “I know most presidents don’t talk about those things and maybe most people don’t want us to talk about those things…” only to quickly reestablish himself as an imbecile by adding that banning contraception and preserving his version of perfect sex are “important public policy issues” that have “profound impact on the health of our society.” I know whose public policies would have a profound impact on the mental health of our society.

“The question is — and this is what Barack Obama didn’t want to answer — is that human life a person under the Constitution? And Barack Obama says no. Well if that person — human life is not a person, then — I find it almost remarkable for a black man to say, ‘We’re going to decide who are people and who are not people.'” (CNS News interview, Jan. 19, 2011)

Here we have a perfect example of someone heading in the right direction then suddenly veering off a cliff.  When a government decides that human life at conception is not a person but a corporation is, then they are defining life in manner not found in any scientific textbook I have come across.  It is sufficient to say that life begins when something possesses the characteristics that entail “life” by definition and that anyone’s opinion found to be in discord with this definition should be discounted and dismissed.

While I agree that there would be irony in a person whose ancestors were once considered property deciding that another form of human life is not a person, it was the Supreme Court, in fact, that made the decision. Also, Barack Obama’s ancestors were not American slaves but I guess they’re all the same to Mr Santorum.

“Is anyone saying same-sex couples can’t love each other? I love my children. I love my friends, my brother; heck, I even love my mother-in-law. Should we call these relationships marriage too?” (Santorum’s Philadelphia Inquirer column, May 22, 2008).

Here is a case of comparing apples to oranges and ending up with bananas. Agreed, the relationship with one’s in-laws, offspring, siblings and friends are not marital. What Mr Santorum does not take into account is an important difference between these types of relationships and the relationship one has with one’s spouse or lover. If I may clarify; I love my brother and mother-in-law too but I don’t have sex with them.

“If the Supreme Court says that you have the right to consensual [gay] sex within your home, then you have the right to bigamy; you have the right to polygamy; you have the right to incest; you have the right to adultery; you have the right to anything. Does that undermine the fabric of our society? I would argue yes, it does… That’s not to pick on homosexuality. It’s not, you know, man on child, man on dog, or whatever the case may be. It is one thing.” (AP interview, April 7, 2003)

Guaranteeing the right to have consensual gay sex in no way guarantees the right for bigamy, polygamy, incest and adultery, let alone bestiality anymore than Roe v. Wade guarantees the right to go around killing adults and children or dogs and cats. Furthermore, it is ridiculous to believe congress would ever pass a bill that guaranteed the “right to anything.”

“I don’t want to make black people’s lives better by giving them somebody else’s money. I want to give them the opportunity to go out and earn the money.” (Campaign stop in Iowa, Jan. 2, 2012)

Well, I guess that takes Mr Santorum out of the running for Robin Hood’s 2012 Prime Ministers Social Heroes Award. Is it safe to assume that it will only be black people who are removed from government assistance and given an opportunity to earn money? What about everyone else? I applaud you, Mr Santorum for accomplishing the seemingly insurmountable feat of making a statement that is simultaneously discriminatory against all ethnicities. But let’s not stop there. Mr Santorum went on to deny, to the best of his, apparently, shoddy recollection that he used the word “black.”


Santorum on CNN says he doesn’t remember saying “black” and believes instead he was simply tripping on his words. “It was probably a tongue-tied moment as opposed to something that was deliberate,” CNN quoted Santorum.

He told CNN’s John King that he’s “pretty confident” he said “blah” while deciding what to say.

After watching the video, I’m “pretty confident” the mumbling sound that many people have mistaken as the word “black” was, in fact, the sound of Rick Santorum’s campaign collapsing.

Why not come out and say it, Mr Santorum: You don’t like people who are different from you. Furthermore, you don’t value the rights and opinions of them either, which makes you a dangerous person whose potential presidency should be feared.

“If you ain’t like me, go hang from a damn tree.” – Early Kuyler




Mr Obama, We Promise not to Detain You Indefinitely.


image from: ModsAreKillingReddit


For some time I have held to the mantra – Never Believe in the Candidate – and it has served me well thus far.  But, in 2008, the idea of an unseasoned candidate running on the promise of hope and change held a bit of shiny glimmer. After all, the country and the world for that matter were entering the worst economic period since the Great Depression and at the same time the US was fighting two foreign wars. Considering the haphazardness and bunglings of the Bush administration and the thought of whatever deranged entity that possessed the then recently deceased body of John McCain running the country, many of us were left with little choice but to cast our votes for the other guy.

For those of you who are about to give me the hardest time of my life; watch this:



Unfortunately, that shiny glimmer of hope and change turned out to have several fish hooks attached to it. One such hook is the legislation Mr Obama signed into law over the holiday break. The National Defense Authorization Act (NDAA) for Fiscal Year 2012, signed by Mr Obama on December 31, 2011 represents one of the most invasive encroachments on our civil liberties in the history of our nation (or since the Patriot Act depending upon whom you ask).  This law allows for the indefinite detention of American citizens arrested on American soil.  Not only does it allow for the indefinite detention of Americans, it also allows for American citizens to be held without charging them with any crime.

Granted, there are scores of other worthwhile provisions in the bill (not the least of which is funding for members of our military and their families) but I am sorely disappointed that the White House did not make a political issue of the repercussions of indefinite detention contained in the bill.  I am aware that Mr Obama issued a signing statement to convey his disapproval of the provision but – correct me if I am wrong (and I know I’m not since I recently wrote an article about it) – didn’t the White House just make a political issue of an otherwise necessary bill because a few Republicans wanted to attach a provision for an oil pipeline to it? Are we to believe that delaying the construction of an oil pipeline is a more worthy endeavor than upholding the 4th amendment?

Mr Obama, I have defended the healthcare bill, the repeal of DADT, and troop withdrawal from Iraq because, given rational thought, it was fairly easy to do so.

The healthcare bill eliminated the health insurance companies discriminatory practices of exclusion due to pre-existing conditions and the dropping of coverage for people whose treatments they no longer wanted to finance. It also removed lifetime caps on medical expenses and allowed for children to stay on their parents’ insurance for a few more years in order to prevent lapses in coverage between graduating and finding a job that provides coverage as a benefit. And from what I can tell via the scientific method, the most vocal critics of the bill are insurance companies, their proxies and, again, people who are perplexed by our relationship with Puerto Rico (see: Al Iburton article below).

The idea of the military allowing gays to serve as long as they don’t tell anyone they are gay makes about as much sense as allowing women to serve on the condition that they don’t tell anyone they are women.

If you still believe the US should have invaded Iraq for the reasons we used to justify the invasion then you should stop reading here and return your head to its original position inside your anus.

I will not, however, defend the indefinite detention of American citizens arrested on American soil (or anywhere else for that matter) and to prove it, Mr Obama, I would like to do my part to make sure that you will not be detained by us a second longer than January 2013. Unfortunately, given the choice of Mitt Romney (who has neither a credible first nor last name), Rick Santorum (whose last name is synonymous for what he is), Newt Gingrich (see: Mitt Romney), Michelle Bachman (that dude is Crazy) and Ron Paul (who in no way deserves to be lumped in with that band of cannibals), I might have reached an impasse.





Al Iburton

Despite all the troop withdrawals, I’m pretty sure the terrorists are winning. I’m just not exactly sure who the terrorists are?  In the beginning (circa 2001) we were told Al-Qaeda was the greatest threat to our freedom. That was easy to buy considering several of their members hijacked and crashed planes into buildings killing thousands of innocent people.

By the end of 2002 many people were actively deceived, in my opinion, into believing that Iraq was our new threat and was, contrary to all evidence at the time and later shown to be completely untrue, stock piling weapons of mass destruction and somehow tied to Al-Qaeda.

In late 2007 there were rumors circulating about the US planning to invade Iran who skyrocketed to the top of the terror list and became our biggest threat:

Let us not argue about who is top of the terror list and our greatest threat as it has no bearing on the purpose of this article. Let us instead assume for the moment that everyone outside of the lower forty-eight (as people who believe Iraq and Al-Qaeda were bedfellows probably distrust Alaska and Hawaii and have no understanding of our relationship with Puerto Rico) is top of the terror list and our greatest threat.


How do we reconcile Dick Cheney actively lobbying the president to invade Iran as a state supporter of terrorism while continuing to receive renumeration from Haliburton – a company who, through it’s own subsidiaries, actively engages in profitable business dealings with Iran?

How do we also reconcile Haliburton’s (and any other US companies who deal with Iran through subsidiaries) relationship with Iran when the US currently has sanctions in place to prevent US companies from doing business with Iran?

Answer: rofl

Both scenarios are irreconcilable unless we entertain the notion that Dick Cheney and Haliburton, are primarily motivated by greed just like most everyone else.


1. Find countries with an abundance of natural resources who are either unstable or controlled by extremely unpopular people.

2. Declare those nations state supporters of terrorism.

3. Invade (if necessary) and take control of those countries. (If step three fails, as in the case of Iran, skip to step 7).

4. Formulate a flexible, if not, indefinite timeline for building a democracy in those countries to buy yourself some time and keep everyone busy fighting over how to organize that democracy.

5. In the meantime, have your company sign a bunch of no-bid contracts with those countries and make billions of tax free dollar building infrastructure to extract those resources; maybe even lock down the rights to some of the resources or at least a portion of the profits.

6. Run all of your transactions through tax havens like Dubai and the Cayman Islands.

*So you made it to step 6 with the first two countries but your own citizens balked at the third war? (“Fool me once… shame on… shame on you. Fool me can’t get fooled again.” – George W. Bush Fear ye, not. Proceed to step  7.

7. Impose sanctions against said country preventing anyone from doing business with them without incurring the wrath of your country. Establish ties or rekindle prior ties to a company from your country and show them a loophole that allows them to form a subsidiary who, in turn, will do business with the newly sanctioned country now that most of the competition has been prevented from participating.

8. Follow step 6.

So are the terrorists and greatest threat to our freedom the people with whom we secretly do business? Does that make us a sponsor of terrorism against ourselves?  Do we continue to elect criminals and corporate pawns with no worthwhile allegiances to our country? Will we do it again in November?

I’d say, yes to all. Prove me wrong.