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Category Archives: Scientology

Where science, technology and religion abandon all reason

Scientology Fires Tom Cruise

MERGATRON 6 – The Church of Scientology has to draw the line somewhere and their line begins where Tom Cruise’s thetans end. L. Kraz Morcar (formerly known as L. Ron Hubbard) issued this telepathic statement through his agent, Ari Gold: “We were forced to terminate Thetan Cruise’s membership in the Church of Scientology & Technology […]

Christian Theme Park Loads of Fun

ORLANDO – Maybe Walt Disney had it all wrong but the DCN can’t seem to wrap our minds around a theme park that, quite frankly, isn’t any fun. There are no rides or funnel cakes and the characters are Roman soldiers who go around whipping Jesus and crucifying him at the end of the day. […]

North Greenville to Become Nation’s First Student-free University

TIGERVILLE, SC– Creating a Christian utopia isn’t easy. Just ask North Greenville University president Jimmy Epstein. For years Epstein, and his slightly-brown-shaded-nose sidekick Leroy McCoy, have been on a mission to stomp out all sorts of evil and pagan practices at the Christian school. Alcohol, cigarettes, flip-flops, snowballs, bearded women (though not enforced), Democrats, Pentecostals, […]

Jerry Falwell Almost Goes Out with a Bang!

LYNCHBURG, VA – Liberty University freshman, Mark David Uhl, was arrested last week when it was discovered that he possessed several homemade explosives in his car. Police received a tip from one of Mark’s relatives who claimed he had “mentioned some explosive devices he had made.” “We was talkin’ ‘bout that old Michael Vick and […]

Bob Jones Student’s Parents “Just Happy He’s not Gay.”

GREENVILLE – In an effort to fight homosexuality, a Bob Jones University student has taken it upon himself to spread unbridled heterosexuality throughout the land. However, this modern-day Levi Coffin has gotten himself into a mess o’ trouble with the police. According to a police report, a woman at a local tanning salon was applying […]

Demonstration Reveals Hundreds of Bojosexuals (Not to be confused with homosexuals who eat at Bojangles)

GREENVILLE – Three members of Soulforce Equality Riders, a gay rights group who have been gallivanting all over the country protesting injustices toward homosexuals on Christian college campuses, were arrested and charged with trespassing at Bob Jones University, Wednesday. Amanda Harris, one of the demonstrators who was arrested, said, “I think this shows the great […]

70% of Christians Are Just Like Everyone Else

Craig Gross considers himself a missionary. Many key religious figures brand him a heretic, but the DCN thinks he’s just gross… Craig Gross. For several years, Gross has been ministering to Christians who are consumed by pornography – a cause that he feels has been largely ignored by the religious community. But they probably just […]

Religious Leader Caught Turning the Other Cheek

Ronald William Milner, president of Caledonia Bible College and senior pastor at Grand Strand Caledonia Church in North Myrtle Beach, is completing a pretrial intervention program after being caught participating in a Preachers Gone Wild video in Myrtle Beach last Spring Break. Miller was charged with prostitution and lewdness after he exposed himself to an […]

City of Light Too Bright for Mark Sanford

FORT MILL – Governor Mark Sanford must have felt like Saul on the road to Damascus Sunday, when excessive stage lighting caused the cornea to be burned in both of his eyes. The Governor was attending a groundbreaking ceremony for the new City of Light complex being built by the Inspiration Network. For those of […]

Missionary Asked to Leave Local Church’s Health Spa and Resort Due to Dress Code Violation

TAYLORS – Onlookers were horrified to see what must have been a homeless vagrant who wandered into the Second Baptist Temple of the Lord Health Resort & Spa. Surely, she was lost, looking for a handout, or worse – a snack from the “Apostle Protein” machine. From her faded orange Clemson Tigers t-shirt with the […]