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Category Archives: Entertainus

“He said anus.” – Butthead

Worldwide Manhunt Ordered to Find Sony’s Balls

by uncle romulus   When the DCN first learned that Sony was making a movie about an assassination plot on the life of North Korean dictator, Kim Jong Un [sic], we thought, why not take all that money and pay someone to really assassinate him instead? Wouldn’t that be vastly more entertaining than subjecting ourselves […]

Parking Garages in Downtown Greenville Will Require “Mark of the Beast” for Free Weekend Parking

GREENVILLE – Due to overcrowding and the constant influx of tourists into the metropolitan areas of the upstate, County Council has decided to require citizens who wish to park for free in the parking garages on the weekend to obtain a temporary or permanent mark (the price varies) on their right hands or foreheads. Anyone […]

Earth No Longer Needs Van Halen

It’s official: the world no longer needs Van Halen. After hearing them played on one local radio station anywhere from twenty-five to a million times a day, the Dark Corner News decided to conduct a survey to see whether or not there was anyone who still liked Van Halen. The DCN surveyed the entire Earth’s […]

Mary Ann Wilson Wins Miss Assisted Living Pageant

TRAVELERS REST – Before the competition the contestants showed the prowess and professionalism one would expect to see from such a fine group of southern belles, but during the show it was a catfight to the bitter end. This was the first year the Miss Assisted Living Committee had removed the swimsuit competition from the […]

American Idle Contest comes to the DC

Following hard on the heels of George Clooney (who was last spotted getting his butt kicked while playing basketball atthe North Greenville College “where Jesus always wins – and you never will” gym), is another well known Hollywood icon who is coming to the DC to capitalize on the region’s untapped wealth of talent and […]

John Popper Arrested Just Before Having the Time of His Life

SPOKANE – Tuesday night, Washington State Police stopped a vehicle traveling over 100 mph and wreaking of barbecue sauce. Blues Traveler singer and harmonica player John Popper was arrested on his way to what we at the DCN would call “Saturday.” Inside the black Mercedes SUV, officers found a cache of weapons and a small […]

Mark Foley & R. Kelly Release Hip Hopera

To most people R. Kelly and Mark Foley would make strange bedfellows (but not to Mark Foley, because he’s a notorious homosexual). In fact the only thing they have in common is an affinity for teenagers, but in the way that would win them the Nobel Prize for Statutory Rape. You will remember that in […]

Cracker Barrell Discriminates Against Everyone

CHARLESTON, SC – Comedian, Chris Rock’s mother, Rose Rock filed a complaint this month with the South Carolina Human Affairs Commission when she was refused service at a Charleston Cracker Barrel restaurant. Sources say she was already angry before she was seated when she was unable to separate the ring from the horseshoes. It didn’t […]

High School Student Declares He’ll Kill Anyone in the Room for a Million Dollars.

BLUE RIDGE – Mrs Moran’s high school sociology classes are not accustomed to excitement or interesting discussions. In fact, last year her class received the “Most Boring Class Ever in the History of the World – No Take Backs, Best Friends Forever” Award – voted on by the students of Blue Ridge High School. However, […]

O.J. Finds Real Killers

Whatever happened to OJ Simpson? When last we saw The Juice, he was using a banana to mimic Norman Bates in an interview with Ruby Wax for BBC1. He certainly couldn’t have done worse than Vince Vaughn in the 1998 remake of Alfred Hitchcock’s Psycho. But let us travel back a little farther to the […]