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Category Archives: Gamer

Relocating professional wrestlers from “parts unknown”

Ruritan Conspiracy

What do you get when you combine a gaggle of over-bearing parents, a hundred-or-so runny-nosed kids and a few single, childless, middle-aged men, who (to this casual observer) would seem to have absolutely no business in a room filled with children but oddly-enough are tolerated?  Answer: A Ruritan Conspiracy. For years, the Dark Corner Recreation […]

Obituary: Speedway, Riverside, 32

LIMA – Riverside Speedway, venerable mainstay of the Upper Reedy Valley social scene was found brutally murdered beside the Cherokee Foothills Parkway this week. She was 32. While police have no suspects in the crime, highly-placed sources at the Krispy-Kreme on Pleasantburg Drive identified serial land-rapist Jim “Asphalt Andy” Anthony as a person of interest. […]

Confused Contestant Brings Golden Calf to American Idol Tryouts

LOS ANGELES – Onlookers were intrigued last week by a young Israeli man who wheeled in a golden calf to the 2008 American Idol tryouts. 24-year-old, Aaron Mooby, claimed he was “just trying to win the contest.” “Do you know how many earrings I had to melt down to make this? How was I supposed […]

The Realm of Kul’ Tiras Virtually Empty Since Halo 3 Demo was Released

ORGRIMMAR – After failing to complete several quests, Orenthal decided there just weren’t enough people participating in the World of Warcraft anymore, so he decided to investigate. Our level 22, foreign correspondent traveled from Darnassus to Gadgetzan finding barely anyone with whom to speak, let alone join in his quests. “I thought for sure that […]

Confused Michael Vick Says Next time He’ll Hide His water Bottle Inside His Bag of Weed

ATLANTA – Last Wednesday, Atlanta Falcons quarterback, Michael Vick, was NOT arrested after he reluctantly surrendered a water bottle to security at Miami International Airport that contained a marijuana-like substance in a hidden compartment. Miami police said Thursday it could be weeks before a decision is made on whether to file charges against Vick, who […]

Carolina Fan Shoots Clemson Fan Just to Watch Him Die

LEXINGTON,SC – James Walter “Quick Draw” Quick, 42, was charged with murder in the shooting of Richard Allen Johnson, 43. According to a preliminary autopsy report by the Lexington County Coroner, Dr. R. Quincy, M.E., the bullet barely grazed Johnson’s arm, but his blood-alcohol level was so high that he bled to death in seconds. […]

Marijuana Industry Expects Record Profits as Microsoft, Sony, and Nintendo Simultaneously Release New Gaming Systems

WORLD, THE – Next month’s release of the Play Station 3, Xbox 360, and Nintendo Wii have marijuana producers worldwide bolstering their inventory. ” I haven’t seen this kind of turnout since the ice cream truck overturned in front of my house,” said a source who wishes to remain nameless (but provided us with a […]

French to Challenge World Cup Results in Court

FRANCE – A French Lawyer, Mehana Mouhou (say that out loud at your desk), has declared that he will go to court to annul the World Cup Final. The Final, in which Italy defeated France in a penalty kick shoot-out, was marred with violence and sleazy Italianary and was actually developing into pretty good match […]

Although Eliminated from the World Cup, U.S.A. Still in the Running for the World Jock Strap

GERMANY – Scores of fans (four including myself) hastily walked out of Fuddruckers in Greer, SC in response to the miserable display of inferiority by the United States Underachievers Club for Kicking. Although U.S.U.C.K. has been playing in the World Cup since 1930, they have failed to improve their performance in any measurable way. This […]

Da Vinci Code Not As Popular As Contra Code

Although the subject of a best-selling, and extremely long book by Dan Brown, as well as a major motion picture starring Tom Hanks (of Bosom Buddies) and directed by Ron Howard (Happy Days), Da Vinci’s Code is not as popular as the critics would have people believe. In fact, some experts argue the code itself […]