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Mary Ann Wilson Wins Miss Assisted Living Pageant

TRAVELERS REST – Before the competition the contestants showed the prowess and professionalism one would expect to see from such a fine group of southern belles, but during the show it was a catfight to the bitter end. This was the first year the Miss Assisted Living Committee had removed the swimsuit competition from the program – in response to Etta MacAbee’s garment “malfunction” last year – so the attendance was a record low of fourteen. Tension was building as the contestants entered the Evening Wear Competition. Loretta James sported a strapless Lane Bryant evening gown that was all the rage. She was absolutely stunning from shawl to Dr. Shoals. Even last year’s winner – this year’s Master of Ceremonies, Etta MacAbee, remarked from the podium that her dress “would have looked beautiful on her about thirty years ago.” It was at this point that Miss James stormed off the stage in tears. I caught up with Miss James backstage to ask her if she felt she had overreacted to this tongue-in-cheek remark.

“It don’t matter if she had her teeth in or not, it was still a very cruel thing to say!”

The talent portion of the program was met with more controversy when Alice Westmoreland enlisted the help of DJ Randy to sing Kid Rock’s part in the duet, “Picture.” Many onlookers were horrified to hear Miss Westmoreland use “the D-word” and hear DJ Randy singing about “fueling up on cocaine and whiskey.”

But even this was Sunday school at Santa Claus’ house compared to Betty Lou Milfred and DJ Randy’s duet of Nelly Furtado and T.I.’s popular R&B hit “Promiscuous Girl.” Thankfully, the Blue Ridge High School Dance Team performed during intermission to calm everyone down. The Question and Answer portion of the event was going off with out a hitch until Lou Lou Bighams, Sr. digressed into a rant about “all the Mexicans at Walmart” while answering a question about the war in Iraq. She also used “the D-word” several times.

In any event, everyone was relieved to see Mary Ann Wilson win even though her narcolepsy caused her to sleep through the whole thing. The DCN was asked to remind everyone that next year’s competition will be moved from the Travelers Rest VFW to the Blue Ridge Bar and Grill and Bar in hopes that it will be more of a family event.

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