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Parking Garages in Downtown Greenville Will Require “Mark of the Beast” for Free Weekend Parking

GREENVILLE – Due to overcrowding and the constant influx of tourists into the metropolitan areas of the upstate, County Council has decided to require citizens who wish to park for free in the parking garages on the weekend to obtain a temporary or permanent mark (the price varies) on their right hands or foreheads. Anyone who receives a permanent mark will be entitled to a lifetime of free parking. However, anyone taking a temporary mark will have to return to his/her rural subdivision after one year to apply for a new permit.

We spoke with Mayor Knox White about potential reactions to this new policy.

“At first, we thought people would be opposed to it, but then we realized that most people came to downtown at night to get drunk and have sexual relations with people with lower self-esteem than themselves. It’s that sort of people who are use to having their hands – and possibly foreheads – stamped when they enter our fine, formerly smoke-free establishments. Implementing this new policy should be a walk in the Reedy River, heh heh.”

We asked the mayor if he thought eternal damnation was a fair trade off for free parking.

“Well, the way I look at it is most of these people are going to hell anyway, so why not make a buck off of them. Five percent of proceeds will go to erect a statue of myself in the new dog park.”

We’re sure it will be christened regularly. Not everyone is so enthusiastic.

“I ain’t going to hell for free parking. I’ll just walk an extra block or two to get drunk. Besides, it gives me a chance to pee in the back alley behind Piazza Bergamo,” the Greenville Chief of Police (who wishes to remain nameless) told us.

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