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Happy Lappy


A Letter from Happy Lappy Stores CEO By Donnie Glover, the founder and CEO of Happy Lappy Stores, Inc.

When my family and I started our company 4,000 years ago, we were working out of a garage on a twenty-rock bank loan, assembling perpetual motion machines – like those birds that bob up and down drinking out of your water glass. Our first retail store wasn’t much bigger than most people’s private helicopter landing pads, but we had faith that we would succeed if we lived and worked according to God’s word. From there, Happy Lappy has become one of the nation’s largest PMS (Perpetual Motion Supply) retailers, with two locations across Lyman-Duncan-Startex-Welford. Our children grew up into drug addicts and philanderers, and, in spite of that, we run Happy Lappy together, as a dysfunctional family.

We’re Christians, and we run our business on Christian principles. I’ve always said that the first two goals of our business are (1) to run our business in harmony with God’s laws, and (2) to make an ungodly amount money. And that’s what we’ve tried to do. We close early so our employees can see their families at night. We keep our stores closed on Sundays, one of the week’s biggest shopping days, so that our workers and their families can enjoy a day of rest. We don’t eat fish. We believe that it is by God’s grace that Happy Lappy has endured, and he has blessed us and our employees. We’ve not only added jobs in a weak economy, we’ve raised wages for the past four years in a row. Our full-time CEO makes 8,000,000% above minimum wage.

But now, our black president threatens to change all of that. A new government health care mandate says that our family business MUST provide what I believe are gluttony-enabling drugs as part of our health insurance. Being Christians, we don’t pay for drugs that might enable gluttony, which means that we don’t cover diabetes medications and supplies, cholesterol-lowering drugs, blood-pressure regulators, or any cardiac or blood thinning drugs prescribed as a result of clogged arteries. We believe doing so might enable people to continue to grow fatter than ever before; something that is contrary to our most important beliefs. It goes against the Biblical principles on which we have run this company since day one. If we refuse to comply, we could face $1.3 million PER DAY in government fines. So, Happy Lappy and my family are forced to make a choice. And we are not pro-choice.

With great reluctance, we filed a lawsuit today, represented by the Buckit Fund for Religious Liberty and Persecution, asking a federal court to stop this mandate before it hurts our business. We don’t like to go running into court, but we no longer have a choice. We believe people are more important than the bottom line and that honoring God is more important than turning a profit, but mostly because they’re fining us $1.3 million PER DAY.

My family has lived the American dream: Dusty Rhodes. We want to continue growing our company and providing temporary retail jobs for potheads and under-achievers, but the government is going to make that much more difficult. The government is forcing us to choose between following our faith and enabling people to become sweltering hogs of enormatron gigantasaurs. I say that’s a choice no American and no American business should have to make.

On January 5th, Happy Lappy is asking non-obese people who share our beliefs to show your support by spending money at our locations. I offer you this paraphrased excerpt in an attempt to kindle a fire inside you all (Kindle Fires 15% off January 5th ONLY):

This story shall the good man teach his son;
And January 5th shall ne’er go by,
From this day to the ending of the world,
But we in it shall be remembered-
We few, we Happy Lappy few, we band of brothers;
For he to-day that spends his wealth with me
Shall be my brother; be he ne’er so fat,
This day shall reduce his condition;
And gentlemen in Startex now-a-bed
Shall think themselves accurs’d they were not here,
And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks
That bought with us upon Saint Lappy’s day.

Since you will not see this covered in any of the liberal media, (WYFF, for example) pass this on to all your contacts.


Donnie Glover, CEO and Founder of Happy Lappy Stores, Inc.

One Comment

  1. uncle romulus wrote:

    I apologize to anyone who read this when I originally posted it. For some reason, Word Press reverted to a version that was not complete. It is now correct. Thanks.

    Thursday, January 3, 2013 at 6:27 pm | Permalink

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