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Smothered, Covered and Skeeted

waffle house


by uncle romulus


A gunman attacked a Greer, Waffle House early Saturday morning wounding at least 12 and creating a “big [expletive] mess,” authorities said. The DCN was able to piece together a timeline from witness accounts, police reports and general assumptions about the behavior of people who frequent that particular Waffle House. The man police say opened fire inside the Waffle House may have been planning the attack for several months.

Suspect Larry Z. Bisko, 48, is accused of wounding 12 people and causing $243.74 in damages according to police reports. He is also alleged to have rigged his trailer with sophisticated booby traps so that whoever entered it would trigger a trip wire that banged a bunch of pots and pans around.

Bisko received a high volume of deliveries over the past four months to both his home and work addresses, which police believe begins to explain how he got his hands on hundreds of clay pigeons, said police chief, Wyatt Derp.

According to eyewitnesses, Bisko entered the Waffle House around 3:35am and went directly to the jukebox. He then exited the building and went back to his truck where he grabbed a clay pigeon thrower and two bags full of skeet. From there, Bisko reentered the Waffle House and opened fire.

“There was skeet flying everywhere. It was one explosion after another. I got hit in the eyes and mouth. I couldn’t see anything for a good minute,” said Rhonda “Rhon” Pittman, a Greer male-woman (not a misspelling), “but we’ll recover. Only the strong survive.” She later added, “I hope that [expletive] burns in hell for this.”

“I knew something was up when I seen him put five dollars in the jukebox but only select two songs,” recalled part-time bounty hunter, Wendall “Dollar” Osteen. It was during the second song, Kinky Friedman’s,¬†They Ain’t Makin’ Jews Like Jesus Anymore, that Bisko began firing.

“At first it was one clay pigeon at a time, but then he started loading three at a time on the high capacity throwing arm. It was god-awful. We was catchin’ shrapnel left and right. People was hidin’ under booths. One fella dove over the bar and half way into the deep fryer.” Mr Osteen continued, “If it wasn’t for ‘Cool Breeze,’ we’d all be dead. Or worse.”

The man who Mr Osteen was referring to is Waffle House head chef, Lamont “Cool Breeze” Jackson – the man, according to eyewitnesses, who disarmed Bisko by throwing a plate that smashed into his face.

“I was smoking a cigarette in the bathroom when I heard all this bangin’ and carryin’ on. When I come out I seen this crazy [expletive] with some kinda rocket launcher goin’ crazy on folks. I said, hell naw. I ain’t gettin’ killed by no redneck [expletive] with no [expletive] rocket launcher. That’s when I grabbed the plate. I knew I only had one shot so I grabbed the greasiest plate I could – the grease make it fly faster – and I hit that [expletive] right in his [expletive] face.”

Surveillance¬†footage showed about a dozen people kicking Bisko in the head and abdomen after he was knocked unconscious by the plate. However, several eyewitnesses confirmed that “that didn’t happen.”

At least 6 victims of the shooting remained hospitalized Saturday – 3 in critical condition (due to blood alcohol levels) and one in stable condition with third-degree deep fryer burns. Grief counselors visited local high schools on Monday and the city is planning a pig pickin’ on Saturday to raise money for skeet violence awareness.

President Obama traveled to Greer on Sunday to meet with the victims and their families to offer his support. He spoke eloquently of hope in a time of loss and of how the braveness of one man saved the lives of many. Unfortunately, most of the victims and their families were too hungover to attend and “Cool Breeze” had to work a double shift.

On Monday, Vice President Biden told reporters that the Waffle House attack should push lawmakers to address the “epidemic” of clay pigeon thrower violence. The following day, President Obama revealed his clay pigeon control plan, which included renewing the assault pigeon thrower ban, universal background checks on all thrower buyers, and restrictions on the length of the thrower arm.

Carl Perkins, owner of The Gun Store in Greer, explained to the DCN that longer thrower arms allow shooters to place up to three clay pigeons at a time on the arm.  These three-round bursts can be unpredictable and many injuries have resulted because of them.

“When you put three on, one will fly this way, one will fly that way. Heck, one even hit me in the back. I swear that was Billy, but he said it was the thrower.”

However, the thrower arm restrictions may do little to curb the three round burst problem. Perkins explained how, with a slight modification, one could stack three pigeons on a short thrower arm and cause as much damage, if not more.

“I, myself, have only seen that done once. It’s extremely dangerous. It’s about like taking the stick off a bottle rocket, lighting it and throwing it in the air. You know what we call those?”

If you don’t know, the DCN isn’t going to tell you.


One Comment

  1. erin wrote:

    And news today on Obama reported that he shoots
    skeet all the time, how wierd is that.

    Monday, January 28, 2013 at 7:06 pm | Permalink

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