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City of Light Too Bright for Mark Sanford

FORT MILL – Governor Mark Sanford must have felt like Saul on the road to Damascus Sunday, when excessive stage lighting caused the cornea to be burned in both of his eyes. The Governor was attending a groundbreaking ceremony for the new City of Light complex being built by the Inspiration Network.

For those of you unfamiliar with the Inspiration Network, it really has little to do with the filling of your lungs with oxygen, and therefore is no relation to the Expiration Network. INSP (Inspiration Network and Sophisticated Palate) is religious media conglomerate whose goal is to incorporate Biblical teachings into modern society with shows like: Bed Bug Bible Gang – about an O.G. Los Angeles gang-leader who decides to turn his life around after watching INSP, Mayhem – a show for hardcore music fans who like their devil music with a little less devil, and Mixx Masters Lounge – a show which features religious hip hop videos where secular hip hop artists are seen thanking God for their hip hop awards, stash of dank nugget, thirty-inch rims, women of ill repute and millions.

In attendance at the City of Light groundbreaking was an all-star cast of Biblical paraphrasers and moneychangers such as Jerry Falwell who reminded us that hurricane Katrina was God’s judgment on black people, Pat Robertson who reminded us that 9/11 was God’s judgment on white people, Rod Parsley who reminded us that his own name was God’s judgment on Rod Parsley, and Benny Hinn who has been accused of being a democrat by refusing to heal Mark Sanford’s corneas.

However, City of Light department of Creation and Technology experts claim that it would be physically impossible for their lights to have burned Sanford’s corneas. They claim that the lights received a holy blessing form Rod Parsley before the event and that Donnie Rambo performed a Gregorian chant to “seal the deal.” They attribute the redness and dryness of Sanford’s corneas to the fact that they “saw him backstage smoking a blunt with Benny Hinn and watching Mixx Masters Lounge” before the event.

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