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Worldwide Manhunt Ordered to Find Sony’s Balls


by uncle romulus


When the DCN first learned that Sony was making a movie about an assassination plot on the life of North Korean dictator, Kim Jong Un [sic], we thought, why not take all that money and pay someone to really assassinate him instead? Wouldn’t that be vastly more entertaining than subjecting ourselves to another Seth Rogen or James Franco movie? Not to say that their movies are terrible (they are), but viewers must admit those two are beginning to beat the dead Korean horse (not to be confused with the asian delicacy). And if Li’l Kim is anything like his father – a short, fat and yellow [expletive] – we’d all be much better off without him. Of course, such an endeavor would contradict everything the US stands for and would be completely uncharacteristic of any extracurricular activities in which the US government has previously engaged.

Fortunately, the non-fictitious plot surrounding the film has thickened to heights unachievable by Sony, Rogen and Franco. In June of this year, North Korea complained to the United Nations that the upcoming film, The Interview, promoted terrorism against their country – something that the North Korean government is perfectly capable of on their own. At the risk of being considered xenophobic and geographically ignorant, the DCN cannot pass up the opportunity to classify this accusation as the equivalent of the pot calling the kettle Pol”. When the UN did absolutely nothing (what they are best at) to address the egregious act by Sony, North Korean hackers, known only as Krackers, spent the next six months trying to guess the admin password for Sony’s servers.

Last week the Krackers succeeded in gaining access to Sony’s servers releasing confidential emails and several movie projects that had been previously unreleased including a historically inaccurate remake of the 1982 film, Annie, starring Jamie Foxx. (After his Oscar-winning performance of a blind pianist, we can’t wait to see his interpretation of an adolescent, ginger girl.) The group also threatened to attack any theaters that screened the movie. The threat by Krackers prompted Sony Executives to make a difficult decision: 1) Go forward with the release like Champions of Freedom and illustrate the values we all claim to have as Americans, or 2) Pull the film like a bunch of [expletive] cowards.

Sony’s decision to publicly soil their britches in terror has drawn sharp criticism from even President Obama, himself. (Dare we revisit the pot and the kettle?) To add MSG to injury, North Korea has denied any involvement in the hacking and is now proposing a “joint-investigation” with the US to uncover the identities of the real hackers with the added caveat that US refusal to cooperate will have “serious consequences.” The transparent ridiculousness of this offer can only be likened to O.J. Simpson’s promise to the Goldman family to continue his search for the “real killer.”

When in the history of our nation have we willingly allowed a foreign entity to repress our Freedom of Speech? Granted, this was a decision made by a corporation (who is now trying to pin the blame on theaters for refusing to screen the film if/when released). Are we to clear all future works of satire with one of the most backwards and crazy governments the world has ever known? The DCN implores Sony, the MPAA and theaters across America to take some time off for the holidays, spend it with your families and realize that everything you hold dear to you was made possible by people who are rolling over in their graves at your cowardice. Grow some balls, make a 180-degree turn and tell North Korea to “[expletive] off!” Merry [expletive] Christmas from the DCN!





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