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Ruritan Conspiracy

What do you get when you combine a gaggle of over-bearing parents, a hundred-or-so runny-nosed kids and a few single, childless, middle-aged men, who (to this casual observer) would seem to have absolutely no business in a room filled with children but oddly-enough are tolerated?  Answer: A Ruritan Conspiracy.

For years, the Dark Corner Recreation Department has organized little-league sports for the children of the DC (or Children of the Corner as they are more commonly known).  The DCRD has done an exceptional job in their duties of game-scheduling and field management.  However, when it comes to overseeing the team selection process the DCRD has deferred all authority to local DC parents/warlords in an effort to not impinge (thank you, Larry David) on tribal customs. These tribal customs include but are not limited to things like making the kids wear last years uniforms to the Ruritan building for sign-ups, ceremonial juice box and cheese sandwich consumption, the Great Cigarette-Butt Hunt and, most-importantly, the tendency for the dominant warlords to pick the top COC athletes for their own teams while leaving the stragglers to the Yankee parents who just moved into the housing development.

Season after season the DCRD receive complaints from Yankees throughout the area.

“We get some emails and letters… a lot of phone calls.  Some of the coaches are really upset about the perceived unfairness in the selection process.  We had one coach who set himself on fire outside the DCRD office in Taylors.  They put him out but he lost a lot of his, I guess, recognizability?  Is that a word?” – Jeff Davis, DCRD Czar.

At a glance the motivation for the unfair team selection process seems simple: pick a better team to win more games. How can a team of ADHD kids who forget they’re in a game at the site of an airplane or caterpillar be expected to compete with the dairy-infused child-juggernauts of the DC? Albeit unfair, this motivation is not surprising or uncommon, but the DCN would be doing our readers a disservice if we failed to dig a little deeper.  We caught up with Bob Wozzleknocky, one of the Yankee coaches who claims this little league bureaucracy is rooted in corporate corruption.

“Funding a team at this level can be extremely expensive and solicitation for corporate sponsorships is very competitive.  Corporations like Blue Ridge Automotive and W.E. Willis, Inc. don’t want to waste their time and money funding losing teams.  We get stuck soliciting the dregs of society, and who wants to have Lady Godiva’s on a little league jersey? What we need is a union.”

Not everyone would agree with this assessment.

“Union?! We already defeated them back in 1865.  [uproarious laughter] You tell Bob Wozzlehockey [sic] he can take his team of delinquents back to gene cesspool where he found ‘em.  We don’t drive up north to his Yankee Ruritan building to tell him how to run the show.  If he’d spend half the time coaching that he spends bitchin’ he might even win a game.” – Jimmy Bruce, O’neal Rattlers coach and rotund building contractor in his spare time.

How do you rectify a system so entangled in corruption and nepotism?  Random team selection process, corporate sponsorship lottery or more government regulation of all little league activities?

“Let the kids fight it out.” – Donnie Williamsburg, local bystander/A&A bench-occupier, Esq. “The way I see it, there are usually about ten teams in each age group.  Take the top ten fighters and put each one on a separate team. Then do the same thing with the next ten, and so on.  Eventually, the teams will be evenly matched as long as fighting ability and athletic ability are congruent.  Yes, that’s right. I said congruent… crossword puzzle.”

Unfortunately for the DCN, our interview was cut short when two Jehovah’s witnesses mistakenly knocked on the door of the Ruritan building at the very moment the cheese sandwiches and juice boxes were unleashed.  The feeding frenzy was incredible leaving a trail of bread crusts, plastic sandwich bags and broken glass in its wake.  The one surviving Jehovah’s witness was severely maimed and forced to recant his heresy before being released into the DC.

While there is little hope of this problem being sorted out in the short-term, we at the DCN feel that pandering to special interests groups like Yankees will lead to its own set of problems.

“If you give them an inch they’ll march to the sea.” – Donnie Williamsburg

2 Comments

  1. Banksy wrote:

    Your site needs some color. Hit me up and I’ll sort it out.

    Wednesday, January 19, 2011 at 11:55 am | Permalink
  2. mantis wrote:

    You’re wrong, Banksy. The site is nice as is.

    Wednesday, January 19, 2011 at 1:30 pm | Permalink

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