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Mark Foley & R. Kelly Release Hip Hopera

To most people R. Kelly and Mark Foley would make strange bedfellows (but not to Mark Foley, because he’s a notorious homosexual). In fact the only thing they have in common is an affinity for teenagers, but in the way that would win them the Nobel Prize for Statutory Rape.

You will remember that in 2002 the press released a video of R. Kelly having sex with and urinating on a 14 year old girl. While middle school teachers would agree that most 14 year olds deserve to be urinated on, they would also agree that they should abstain from all sexual activity to avoid ending up like their 42 year old grandparents.

One thing that separated Kelly from Foley is that Mark Foley, former Republican Representative for Florida and Chairman of the House Caucus on Missing and Exploited Children has been in the news lately for soliciting minors of the male sex.

How else are they different you might ask? Let us look at how each handled his own predicament. R. Kelly denies the accusation and releases a new Hip-Hop album convincing his fans that he actually believes he can fly (See: Peter Pan; See also: Michael Jackson), and all is forgiven. But, could a white person play it this cool (See: Bill Clinton)? No. Foley’s response was to resign (admission of guilt), claim he too was molested as a child (establishing motive), come out of the closet (like the notorious homosexuals don’t have enough on their plate), claim to have never had sex with an underage boy (taking credit for something over which he had no control). Talk about damage control.

So, after talking to his good friend R. Kelly, M. Foley has decided to release this Hip-Hopera in order to distract the American people and gain their forgiveness. Like Benjamin Netanyahu said on Meet the Press, “Americans have a memory that doesn’t pre-date breakfast.” Take that Tim Russert, you fat sod.

Thanks to M. Foley’s leadership of the House Caucus on Missing and Exploited Children, all those children on the covers of milk cartons are in the new M. Foley and R. Kelly Hip-Hopera. Pretty soon, Foley will be back in the limelight, sipping Crystal and smoking Polish cigars.

One side note: In 2003 The Church of Scientology honored Mark Foley at a dinner and presented him with a leather-bound copy of the cheat codes for World of Warcraft. When we asked Morcar’s (formerly known as L. Ron Hubbard) agent, Ari Gold, why Scientology had not honored R. Kelly, he answered, “We’ve already got Isaac Hayes. What do we need R. Kelly for?”

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