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French to Challenge World Cup Results in Court

FRANCE – A French Lawyer, Mehana Mouhou (say that out loud at your desk), has declared that he will go to court to annul the World Cup Final. The Final, in which Italy defeated France in a penalty kick shoot-out, was marred with violence and sleazy Italianary and was actually developing into pretty good match until official Luis Medina Cantalejo (you can say that one if you want) decided that up until this point he had not played a significant role in the nights festivities. In fact, he thought, the outcome of this game – unlike most of the earlier games – had the chance of being decided by the players and not the officials.

The climax of the game occurred when French star Zinedine Zidane head-butted Italian defender Marco Materazzi in the chest after Materazzi allegedly insulted the genealogy and occupation of Zidane’s mother and sister. The pressing issue is not whether or not the incident occurred, but whether the official saw the incident occur or watched the replay of it on the Jumbofrankenfurturotron suspended above the stadium. Mouhou challenges that if the official did not see the event when it unfolded, but ejected Zidane anyway, then the result of the match was based upon an illegal act by the official and the game should be replayed.

The most surprising part of the whole situation is that the Italians have been rather receptive to the idea. The only reason the proceedings have not begun is because neither side can come to an agreement on whether to try FIFA (F#@$! Idiots and F#@$! A$#@%!s) in the regular courts or set up a military tribunal for the case. Mouhou (say that out loud… no, really) claims that

“FIFA is not a recognized nation state and therefore does not fall under the Geneva Convention. We need not tie up the courts with this trial when a military tribunal will work adequately. Also, we should not be deterred from using torture as a method to extract the truth from Mr Cantaloupe.”

However, the Italians claim that Mr Cantalejo’s confession would be inadmissible in court if extracted under the use of torture.

“Where do a bunch of greasy Italians get off chiding us for the use of torture? Have they never seen Goodfellas? I scoff at you!” Oh, quit your Mouhou-ing!

This is not the first time the result of a major sporting event has been challenged in court by the French. Cyclist, Jean Luc Binet Ramsey Picard, recently challenged that American cyclist, Lance Armstrong, has been using performance enhancing drugs in all his Tour de France victories. Armstrong had only this response, “Yeah, if you call chemotherapy performance enhancing, then sure I used them. They gave me an unfair advantage over cancer too! Bunch of frogs! You can’t win because you don’t have seats on your bicycles.” The only other event occurred in 1988, when French attorney Pierre Cardin challenged American Olympic diver Greg Louganis’ use of performance enhancing retrovirals.

Rumour [sic] has it that the Italians are fairly confidant that they will either win the case in court or something dastardly will happen to Mr Cantaloupe in the kitchen with a candlestick, and after winning so much money on Juneventis matches, they’re looking for something to gamble on during the off season. Here’s to waking up next to a severed horse’s head Mr Cantaloupe!

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