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Jared Leto: 30 Seconds to Roundhouse Kick in the Face

EL PASO – MTV News reports that Jared Leto, the actor and 30 Seconds to Mars front man was performing down in the west Texas town of El Paso, last Thursday when he decided to jump off the stage and into the crowd for a bit of body surfing. Most people don’t know that this is a choreographed segment in the show where hordes of middle school-aged fans get to wisp the 87 pound singer/actor through the crowd so everyone can touch him and begin to live vicariously through him. It worked fine everywhere else he played, but this wasn’t everywhere else. This was Texas. Only two things come from Texas and that’s steers and queers, and steers don’t wear mascara.

Texas is a state known more for legends like Bob Wills, Willie Nelson, and George Strait than queerbaits like Jared Leto. Texas is also know for it’s executing of the mentally retarded, which is apparently exactly what they were trying to do at the 30 Seconds to Mars show. Security was unable to hold back the dozens of children who surged forward to get closer to Jared, 35. In the chaos, Leto sustained a broken nose, a hurt foot, a better haircut, and assorted cuts and bruises to his notoriously homosexual face and body. Leto, to his credit, tried to climb back onstage and finished the set despite being beaten and sexually assaulted by a bunch of children, however he managed to step on a young girl who had fallen in the onslaught.Unfortunately for Leto, this little girl happened to be the daughter of one Lone Wolf McQuade. You might know him better by the name Chuck Norris. Before Leto could attempt to help the girl back up, he received numerous roundhouse kicks to the face, but since the first one caused his head to explode, the rest were merely roundhouse kicks to the air, which caused several sonic booms inside the venue. Most everyone at the show became instantly deafened for life. Norris and his daughter were fine because of their ability to heal themselves.

“I’ve been producing shows for 25 years and this was one of the scariest moments I have witnessed,” the concert tour’s organizer told MTV. At least that’s what they think he said, because he’s deaf now and you can’t understand a thing that deaf people say.

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