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Jerry Falwell Almost Goes Out with a Bang!

LYNCHBURG, VA – Liberty University freshman, Mark David Uhl, was arrested last week when it was discovered that he possessed several homemade explosives in his car.

Police received a tip from one of Mark’s relatives who claimed he had “mentioned some explosive devices he had made.”

“We was talkin’ ‘bout that old Michael Vick and how he’d been fightin’ dogs, and I says they ort [sic] to stick him in a cage with a couple of pit bulls and let his rear-end get torn to pieces. That’s when little Mark David said ‘I made some bombs, and I’m gonna blow up them [expletive] hippies and liberals that come to protest at Dr. Falwell’s funeral tomorrow.’ I told him that was a great idea, then I called the police as soon as he left,” said Mark’s uncle who wished to remain nameless.

The police apprehended Uhl and his vehicle with six canisters filled with liquid. The police are calling these canisters explosive devices even though they say Old Milwaukee on the cans and they are held together by those plastic rings – you know the ones that kill ducks when you wrap them around a duck’s neck and throw them off the boat (don’t act like you haven’t done that before).

Attorney General, Alberto Gonzales, is trying to decide whether to send Uhl to Guantanamo to be held with all the other alleged terrorists or just to make him drink all six explosive devices to teach him a valuable lesson. Unfortunately, the Attorney General is currently standing in line to get his Z-visa so he can legitimately continue to be Attorney General, until he is asked to resign his post for being Karl Rove’s mule.

Meanwhile, Jerry Falwell has gone on into eternity where he’ll get his Just reward for living a life fervently devoted to politics and organizing the Moral Majority (70% of whom are just like everyone else), but we prefer to remember him as the man who slid down the water slide at PTL (see: Jim and Tammy Faye Baker) in a suit.

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