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Confused Michael Vick Says Next time He’ll Hide His water Bottle Inside His Bag of Weed

ATLANTA – Last Wednesday, Atlanta Falcons quarterback, Michael Vick, was NOT arrested after he reluctantly surrendered a water bottle to security at Miami International Airport that contained a marijuana-like substance in a hidden compartment. Miami police said Thursday it could be weeks before a decision is made on whether to file charges against Vick, who this season became the first quarterback in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards, and who recently signed a $137 million contract.

Let’s go back and re-read that last paragraph… Now that you’ve read it twice we’re sure you have some questions like:

What made them unsure about the composition of the substance but confidant enough to call it “marijuana -like”? Are we to believe that the people working at the MIAMI International Airport don’t know what marijuana looks like? All they have to do is go out to their cars and look in the glove box.

Secondly, why will it be weeks before a decision is made on whether to file charges? So, if you get pulled over smoking a blunt you can just give it to the cop and tell him to get back with you in a couple of weeks when the results come back from the crime lab!?

Thirdly, is this the end of racial profiling as we know it?

Under Florida law, possession of less than 20 grams of marijuana is a misdemeanor, which carries a maximum penalty of up to a year in prison and a $1,000 fine. First offenders rarely do any jail time, especially those who are star NFL quarterbacks.

“We’ll do an analysis and see what it is. There’s no sense of urgency to it,” Detective Pablo Escobar procrastinated Thursday, after smoking some of the substance in his Smith & Wesson Tazerbong. He then turned on his blue-lights and siren and made an illegal U-turn into a McDonald’s.

This was not Vick’s first endeavor into bad decision making. Last April, Vick settled a lawsuit filed by a woman who claimed the player knowingly gave her herpes, to which Vick replied, “That’s more than the last [expletive] got.” In November, Vick made an obscene gesture toward Atlanta fans who heckled the team as it came off the field after a 31-13 loss to New Orleans. Vick later apologized, paid a $10,000 fine and donated another $10,000 to charity, which would amount to the average American paying around two dollars for an obscene gesture on national TV, then donating two more dollars to charity in honor of that gesture.

The bottle was found to have a compartment that contained “a small amount of dark particulate and a pungent aroma closely associated with marijuana,” a Miami police report said. The police went on to say that the compartment was hidden by the bottle’s label so that it appeared to be a full bottle of water.

Question number four: What looks like marijuana, smells like marijuana and was found concealed in a secret compartment of an object that traditionally does not have secret compartments?

Final question: If a man of middle-eastern descent was found to have “bomb-like” materials in the secret compartment of his underwear, would he be sent on his merry way?

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