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Missionary Asked to Leave Local Church’s Health Spa and Resort Due to Dress Code Violation

TAYLORS – Onlookers were horrified to see what must have been a homeless vagrant who wandered into the Second Baptist Temple of the Lord Health Resort & Spa. Surely, she was lost, looking for a handout, or worse – a snack from the “Apostle Protein” machine. From her faded orange Clemson Tigers t-shirt with the sleeves cut out and her yellow Morrey Boogie surfer shorts to the red, black and white, 1985 Air Jordan high-tops and tube socks, she must have been a site for sore eyes.

“The first thing that tipped me off was she wasn’t wearing a Mark of the Buff headband or wristband ID that we scan to gain entry to the facility, so she had to have snuck in behind someone else before the Pearl E. Johnson Memorial Gate closed.” Clay Moore, retired Air Force Captain now fitness instructor, added that the second thing that struck him as odd was she had not “girded her loins with the Under Armor of the Lord that all the other members were wearing.”

For those of you unfamiliar with exercise, Under Armor is made of materials designed to fit tightly and wick away moisture. Under Armor of the Lord was designed in 2005 by Second Baptist’s team of scientists to provide the same comfort and functionality as Under Armor with the added ability of wicking away any demons who tried to make you “shave reps off your sets or feel tired.”

Unfortunately, this homeless vagrant turned out to be none other than retired missionary, Mary Smith, who – up until 2000 when they cut mission funds to build the health spa – had been under the financial support of Second Baptist. Mary Smith had devoted the last fifty years of her life to helping people in the most remote jungles of the world where food, water & supplies are in short supply. All those years of hard living, about which she rarely complains, have taken a toll on her physically. So, it’s no wonder she decided to enroll in a local church’s fitness program.

It was not until Mary was being escorted out by the Seraphim Security for dress code violations that one of the members recognized the t-shirt she was wearing.

“That’s my old shirt!” Ernest Wells shouted. “My wife swore she didn’t know what happened to it.”

It was at this moment that other members began to realize that the tattered and stained clothing that Mary was wearing had been given to her by the congregants of their church as missionary donations. Everyone seemed to be in shock – most of all, Mary Smith, who realized she was wearing a shirt that had been on the hairy back of Ernest Wells.

As a gesture of goodwill, Mary was given a lifetime membership to the Health Spa & Resort as well as a free set of Under Armor of the Lord. Unfortunately, Mary has decided to return to the remote jungles where she will be “treated like a white person.”

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