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Confused Bush Accidentally Orders Assault on Mt. Lebanon

ST. PETERSBURG, RUSSIA– With the escalating crisis in the Middle East, leaders from the world’s eight largest economies gathered in Russia for the annual G8 Summit. Knowing they could not just sit on the sidelines as civilization begins to unravel, the leaders decided to act in unison and strength. After eleven hours of heated debate and a few too many shots of vodka, the heads-of-state crafted a strongly worded note to Hezbollah leader Sheik Kareem Abdul Jabar Hassan Nasrallah (he’s the fat man with the glasses looking like a child molester in front of the trendy blue screen on Al-Jazeera). When asked what the contribution of the United States, the world’s lone superpower, was to the letter, George W. Bush simply stated “shame, shame.”

At the urging of Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld, however, Bush decided to go one step further in aiding ally Israel. He ordered a full aerial assault on the infidels and aggressors, but got confused and mistakenly authorized an assault on Mt. Lebanon Baptist Church. Tens of parishioners returning for Sunday evening worship were shocked to find their house of worship under attack. Luckily it is July when most of the congregation spend Sundays drinking beer at the lake.

President Bush refused to apologize for misleading American forces into combat, saying only that “Americans should stay the course,” before adding “you’re either with us or against us.” It is not known whether this president actually exists or if he is a really big stuffed animal with a button to push to hear one of four catch phrases.

Local Jew Jim Anthonystein welcomed the news of destruction, citing his desire to acquire the land cheap and build a gated, luxury miniature golf community for “little people.”

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