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O.J. Finds Real Killers

Whatever happened to OJ Simpson? When last we saw The Juice, he was using a banana to mimic Norman Bates in an interview with Ruby Wax for BBC1. He certainly couldn’t have done worse than Vince Vaughn in the 1998 remake of Alfred Hitchcock’s Psycho.

But let us travel back a little farther to the end of the Trial of the Century when Mr Simpson vowed to continue his search for the real killers. Many of you scoffed at his promise that no matter how long it took, how much money he had to spend, how many golf courses he had to scour, he would continue his search until the real killers were found. Well, search no more.

Last Friday, Orenthal James Simpson announced in a press conference on the WB network that he had not only discovered the identity of the real killer(s), but had convinced him to confess to the crime. It was at this moment that Mr Simpson turned to the door behind him and uttered, “Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, the real killers. Come on out John.” Out walked John Karr, 41, former elementary school teacher and pseudo-pedophile. He proceeded to tell the story of how he had taken a part-time job as a truck driver and was trying to convince one of Mr Simpson’s legitimate kids to get into the truck for the Ice Cream Eating Contest, when his vehicle was rear-ended by Ron Brown’s 1998 Dodge Stratus.

Evidently, Ron and Nicole naturally assumed that he was selling crack cocaine out of his ice cream truck, and the plan was to run into the back of it, beat the driver unconscious, then “get the money and drugs, run, dollar-dollar bill ya’ll.”

Mr Karr, who shares his name with the evil nemesis of K.I.T.T. in the television series Knight Rider, tells an account of how he used all the might of his 5’5″, 112-pound frame to overpower them and cut their throats with the razor sharp edge of a Brown Mule wrapper.

Although his wife can testify that Mr Karr was watching television with her in Portland when the murders occurred, prosecutors are so tired of him confessing to heinous crimes which he could not have committed (See: Jean Benet Ramsey), that they expect dressing him up as a rabbi and tying him up outside Mel Gibson’s house should rectify the situation.

Mr Simpson seems satisfied that Mr Karr is indeed the real killer(s), and that he was able to travel through space-time, possibly through a wormhole, in order to be in Los Angeles for enough time to commit the murders and still get back in time to watch Pee Wee’s Big Adventure with his wife. We can all rest easily knowing that the real killers have been caught, and Mr Simpson can get back to working on his pay-per-view series Juiced, in which he plays pranks on unsuspecting people.

In one such episode Mr Simpson tries to trade in the infamous white Bronco (driven by Al Cowlings during the original attempt for OJ to chase down the real killers) to a used car dealer. Other episodes include him pretending to beat up his girlfriend outside his house in Florida, and then trying to convince the police that it was for his television show, and that the mound of cocaine on his dining room table was supposed to be artificial sweetener.

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