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The Last Days of Osama Bin Laden Detailed in His Own Diary

PAKISTAN – Earlier this week, a French secret service report claimed that Osama bin Laden had died from a very bad case of typhoid fever. However, this report could not be confirmed until the DCN unearthed bin Laden’s diary, which details his last days on the run with his band of international terrorists.

Since portions of this diary are still classified, we have changed some of the names to avoid being tortured by the CIA. This is the story of how Osama, “Carl,” “Paul” and “Nikki” made their last attempt to travel from the remote mountains of Afghanistan into Pakistan to seek refuge.

June 14 – Carl, Paul, Nikki and I leave out for Pakistan. The weather is good, but we have a long journey and the pace is grueling.

June 25 – The weather is good, but we must cross a river. Fortunately, we have enough money to take the ferry across. However, Nikki did not want to contribute, so Carl, Paul and I are forced to bear the expense.

July 12 – Carl has developed dysentery and we are forced to rest for two days. In the meantime, Paul and I hunt for buffalo. We kill thirty-seven but can only carry one back.

July 25 – Carl is better but the weather is poor. It has rained for days and we broke an axle. Also, two oxen have died – probably from Carl’s dysentery. Luckily, we brought an extra axle with us. Paul changed it and we began another grueling pace.

August 15 – We have reached another river, but there is no ferry. We are forced to spend our remaining money to hire an Indian to help us cross. We make it safely, but we lose some supplies, and I am starting to feel ill from the grueling pace.
August 25 – The weather is poor and I have typhoid. Also, we are running out of food. We rested for seven days but I am no better. Paul and Carl went hunting and shot eighty-nine squirrels. We must press on.

September 15 – Paul died of dysentery out of the blue. My condition has worsened and the fifty-six remaining squirrels are stinking up the wagon. We have reached the Dalles but are in no condition to raft them. We have decided to throw out the squirrels which leaves us with no food. We decide to rest because there is nowhere to hunt.

September 17 – Carl and I (mostly Carl) decide to kill Nikki and eat her as payback for the ferry incident and because we have no food. I feel my last days approaching.

September 18 – Hey guys… um.. this is Carl. Osama has died of typhoid and I have a terrible case of indigestion. If you are reading this then I probably hit a rock and drowned trying to fjord the Dalles. Well, here goes.

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