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Obituary: Speedway, Riverside, 32

LIMA – Riverside Speedway, venerable mainstay of the Upper Reedy Valley social scene was found brutally murdered beside the Cherokee Foothills Parkway this week. She was 32.

While police have no suspects in the crime, highly-placed sources at the Krispy-Kreme on Pleasantburg Drive identified serial land-rapist Jim “Asphalt Andy” Anthony as a person of interest.

The corporeal remains were discovered by a group of anthropology students from Furman University who told authorities they were in the area looking for “local color” and that their whole dorm has a cold which explained the six cases of Sudafed in the back of their Range Rover.

According to law enforcement officials, Speedway was strangled to death sometime in the last two years, and have unofficially identified the murder weapon as “some kind of mulch.” When asked to comment on the case, Greenville County Sheriff’s Department spokeswoman Chariesse Renaldo “Gunslinger” Jones said, “Well, we just got a new box of pens. I guess maybe we could fill out a form or summin’.”

Speedway resided at the intersection of SC Highway 11 and SC Old Highway 11, on the banks of the North Saluda River, and served a generation of race fans as the original Third Place, a point of social contact for grease-stained, gap-toothed, locals — sort of like a big Sunday School without all the judgment and attendance-taking, and (a little) less hostility — as well as a recruiting depot for a certain secret society.

“I just don’t understand it,” Ronald Burgess, Jr. said. “If there’s no Riverside, where will we go on Fridays; who will we fight with?”

His younger brother, Ronald Burgess, Sr. tried to answer the question philosophically, “I guess we’ll just have to burn somebody’s pool house down.”

Many local boys had their first fight at the Speedway over who had the fastest car while many local girls came of age in the back seats thereof. When asked how the death of Riverside would affect her, Alice M.F.G. Smythe looked wan, and asked, “Can I get a cigarette?”

Services and final interment will be held October 20. As soon as the red dust settles, Anthony’s bulldozers will, once again, go to work burying the last verstiges of Greenville’s mountain culture. In lieu of flowers, mourners may drop of a cracked block, rusted doghouse, burned up hog’s head, or a Molotov Cocktail at the headquarters of Cliffs Communities, Highway 25 & Highway 11.

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