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Scientology Fires Tom Cruise

MERGATRON 6 – The Church of Scientology has to draw the line somewhere and their line begins where Tom Cruise’s thetans end. L. Kraz Morcar (formerly known as L. Ron Hubbard) issued this telepathic statement through his agent, Ari Gold:

“We were forced to terminate Thetan Cruise’s membership in the Church of Scientology & Technology (C.O.S.T.) due to the behavior he has exhibited in the last several months that is inconsistent with our business… um, beliefs.” Mr Gold added, “Besides, we already have Isaac Hayes, what do we need Tom Cruise for?”

Apparently, Tom Cruise never fully understood Scientology but decided to make himself the poster boy for it. Rumor has it, the one-time box office superstar disregarded the C.O.S.T. manual just as he would any other script.

“Yeah, I gave him the manual, the cheat codes… I even gave him some leather eight-slot bags to put his items in, but he just wanted to wing it. Next thing you know, he’s asking me for some gold and he wants to borrow my Mighty Axe of the Scimitar +7. I told him he should just cancel his $15 per month subscription if he wasn’t going to complete any of the quests.” – John Travolta

Tom Cruise was supposed to meet us at Spago for an interview, but Mr Gold told us he had to cancel at the last minute. Evidently, he forgot to put water in Katie Holmes’ bowl. Sources say it was the “jumping up and down on the instrument panel of the Millenium Falcon” incident that put Morcar over the top.

The news of his expulsion came as a shock to his family and friend, but the majority of Americans are unsettled by this news, primarily, because they’re afraid of what he’ll do next to draw attention away from his closeted homosexuality.

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