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North Greenville to Become Nation’s First Student-free University

TIGERVILLE, SC- Creating a Christian utopia isn’t easy.

Just ask North Greenville University president Jimmy Epstein.

For years Epstein, and his slightly-brown-shaded-nose sidekick Leroy McCoy, have been on a mission to stomp out all sorts of evil and pagan practices at the Christian school. Alcohol, cigarettes, flip-flops, snowballs, bearded women (though not enforced), Democrats, Pentecostals, Aerosmith albums, dissent, reason, forgiveness, midgets, yo’ mama jokes, pregnant women, rock-paper-scissors, music with lyrics, Mexican food (those darn illegals), water balloons, notorious homosexuals (you know who you are), eggs (they are aborted chickens and Christians are against abortion of any kind), the SI Swimsuit issue, cuss words, comic books, and those blasted 7-11 praise songs have all been banned on the Tigerville campus, according to the student handbook, The Enlightener.

Recently, it was decided that the student-alumni organization Christ First Fellowship would be forced to cease using the Greek letters XAK to identify the organization and go with the much-less exotic English letters CFF. Never mind the fact that every student-alumni association needs something exotic (no, not a dancer—this is a Christian organization, you colossal pervert). Apparently the Greek letters are too closely associated with fraternities, and fraternizing with Christian brothers is strictly prohibited. It is worth noting, however, that Bob Jones University has Greek organizations on their campus. But they’re just a bastion of liberalism.

The anti-Greek move raised further questions of whether students, faculty, and staff would continue to be allowed to frequent “The Clock” restaurants anymore, and whether or not the university would continue to follow the New Testament, originally written in all Greek letters. The Executive Board is considering a proposal to return to the Law of Moses and sacrifice your children. Yes, you who are reading this—your children. Watch out, for Leroy McCoy will come like a thief in the night to slay your firstborn. That is, of course, unless you make a small donation to the university’s General Fund and smear the blood of a Catholic or pedophile or both on the frame of your front door, in which case McCoy will quietly pass you by.

Also, there is talk of banning the popular student websites Facebook and MySpace from campus because the internet is bad. Verrrrrryyyyy baaaaaaaadddddd. And the logic makes sense. If students no longer have a website to publish photos from their drunken study groups, they will cease to have drunken study groups, right?. Hmmmmm.

Of course, all of these proposals and decisions will be moot subjects come next fall when Epstein’s brainchild takes effect. Beginning Fall 2007, North Greenville University will become the nation’s first student-free university. Yes, since students are the source of all kinds of sin and sorcery, they will not be allowed on campus. Thus they cannot infect Epstein’s “No Sin Zone” (The television series will be coming to a Fox News station near you this spring).

It is not certain how the absence of students will affect campus life and academics, but it is safe to say that roughly the same number of people will be paying attention in the weekly chapel services.

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