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“Smooth Wave” for Superintendent of Education – because nobody wants to vote for that woman, anyway.

GREENVILLE, SC – What started as a controversial campaign of mud-slinging and radical ideas has blossomed into a well-oiled machine that even the likes of Karl Rove would admire (if he were not a closet racist. No, really. He hates closets. He says they’re “full of homosexuals and black people”). Thomas Roosevelt “Smooth Wave” Jefferson’s primary opponent, Karen Floyd, has accused him of being a college dropout who is trying to take public schools back into the “Dark Ages.”

“I find Mrs. Floyd’s comments racist and highly offensive. That’s what’s wrong with our schools. Too many women running the show. They get all upset because teachers are spanking kids and school lunch is unhealthy. Teachers can’t even smoke at school anymore. Let me paint a picture for you: Kids cause problems in class; teachers can’t spank them and nothing else scares them anymore; teachers’ nerves are shot but they can’t go smoke unless they get a break and go drive around off school grounds in their cars burning up expensive gas when they don’t get paid very much. Now, where’s the logic in that? Next thing you know students will be making teachers stay late for detention.”

Although, bringing back corporal punishment and cigarettes to public schools are unpopular ideas among school board representatives, many parents and teachers are showing their support.

“I’m a single mom with two jobs who doesn’t have time to beat my kids. In an age of multi-tasking why shouldn’t kids receive their discipline, education and Mountain Dew: Code Red in the same time interval?” – Teresa McClure, 28-year-old hair stylist & part-time computer technologist.

“I don’t believe in spanking children, so shouldn’t I have someone to spank them for me? Who would I trust more to spank my kids more than their own teachers?” – Maggie Durham, 19-year-old super market clerk who has four children in the public school system.

” It is a clear violation of human rights to deprive our public educators of the luxury and satisfaction that only a cigarette can bring.” – Spokesman for Phillip Morris

Karen Floyd could not be reached for comment, but her spokeswoman left us this statement:

“Karen Floyd in no way meant to appear racist with her comment about the ‘Dark Ages.’ Besides, I don’t think black people had even been invented then, since Ham [son of Noah] was cursed by God much later in history.”

Mrs. Floyd’s spokeswoman did go on to confess that Mrs. Floyd also harbors an immense hatred for closets.

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