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Although Eliminated from the World Cup, U.S.A. Still in the Running for the World Jock Strap

GERMANY – Scores of fans (four including myself) hastily walked out of Fuddruckers in Greer, SC in response to the miserable display of inferiority by the United States Underachievers Club for Kicking. Although U.S.U.C.K. has been playing in the World Cup since 1930, they have failed to improve their performance in any measurable way. This year’s team was built up to be the best U.S.U.C.K. team to date inspiring the likes of Eric Cantona – exceptionally retired French footballer – to expel these words in a Nike add for which he was handsomely paid:

“America, the world no longer looks forward to playing you.”

Wrong again, France! Our team of experts has determined that the difference in the American team and the other earthly teams has less to do with the athleticism and skill of the American players and more to do with the rest of the world’s ability to bully them around.

America is the only country where soccer is played by upper crust elitists with names like “Donavan,” and “Tad.” How are we to compete with Argentina whose players smokes cigarettes on the sidelines and snort cocaine at the half, or the Italians who drink horse blood and pray to the Devil before the game?

“When I was a kid, it was much easier. I had the most expensive cleats and shin-guards. All the kids thought I was really good. Brazil doesn’t even wear cleats and they kick our butts. I’m really concerned about the European players attitudes. They make fun of me a lot and call me names. This is strictly off the record, but sometimes the English players ask me for my phone number. They say I have pretty legs. But I think they’re getting me confused with someone named Nancy?” – Landon Donovan

We received several responses to these accusations from some of the English players, but they were so unintelligible we asked David Beckham’s translator to write one down and mail it to us. It reads:

“Who took the jam outta his doughnut? You can bet your bollocks to a barn dance that’s a pack of porky pies I says. You can tell old Nancy from me he’d better bee-ave or I’ll knick his minerals and trade ‘em for a pint o’ the old black stuff. He does have nice legs.”

However, the Bush Administration is working on a plan that should drastically improve the quality of American soccer. On its way to the House of Representatives is an immigration bill that will grant citizenship to all immigrants living in the U.S. who can dribble through the entire American World Cup team and score. Bruce Arena has already begun the tryouts in anticipation of the bill’s passage. I asked Bruce what he thought the chances of the bill’s success would be.

“Getting the bill passed is the easy part. Sorting through the millions of people who have already scored on us is going to be the hard part.” America, the world wishes you were in everyone’s bracket.

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