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Earth No Longer Needs Van Halen

It’s official: the world no longer needs Van Halen. After hearing them played on one local radio station anywhere from twenty-five to a million times a day, the Dark Corner News decided to conduct a survey to see whether or not there was anyone who still liked Van Halen.

The DCN surveyed the entire Earth’s population only to find that absolutely no one still liked Van Halen. We found three REO Speedwagon fans, one Styx [pronounced Sux] fan, and an ungodly nine Journey fans but no Van Halen fans. Not one person said that they would be willing to turn and eye to the left, the right or any direction to catch a glimpse of a Van Halen concert. Even the band members themselves said that they preferred never to hear themselves play or be played again.

Van Halen was formed in the early seventies by three brothers – Eddie, Alex and Michael Anthony (he got two names because he weighed twice as much) and former kickboxer/womanizer and professional tight pants-wearer, David Lee Roth. The band strove for a pseudo-metal sound mixed with rock n’roll and extreme tackiness. Lee Roth’s cocaine-fueled catterwauling gave the band a distinct sound that kept them from being labeled as “cliche” or “listenable.”

However, their friendship came to an end in 1985 when an argument between Eddie and Lee Roth (over which is better: dog meat or horse meat?) ended in Eddie being shot in the mullet.

The brothers Van Halen tried unsuccessfully to reform with Sammy Hagar (no relation to “the Horrible”) who was an equally heinous singer with a taste for alcohol, women and alcohol. Although, the albums they put out as “Van Hagar” were even worse than the ones before, Sammy managed to convince Eddie that they could save a bunch of money on car insurance if they switched to Geico, so he let him live in his house for another eleven years until Valerie kicked them both out.

In 1997, Michael Anthony ran into former Extreme front man, Gary Cherone [pronounced What were they thinking?], while in line at the local methadone clinic, and asked him to front the band. Until then, Cherone’s only claim to fame was managing to combine two of his favorite things in naming Extreme’s second release Pornograffiti.

After two years of his tomfoolery the rest of the band decided to travel to the netherregions known as “hiatus.” We at DCN salute you for your contribution to the modern world and respectfully ask that you plague some other planet from now on.

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