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US Gov’t Declares War on God

Former Navy chaplain, Gordon Klingenschmitt (yeah, that’s his real name), was recently quoted on a radio show as saying the repeal of DADT (Don’t look At my D[expletive] in the shower Turd-muncher) is a sign that the “government has declared war on God.”

He added that there would be a “mass exodus of Christians leaving the military [due to] open homosexuals who are ogling them in the shower” and even implied that the US would need a “national draft” to make up for this loss.

The DCN caught up with Klingerschmitt at a truck stop shower in Gastonia.

DCN: So you’re against gays serving openly in the military, correct?

GK: Correct.

DCN: Because of the whole “ogling” in the shower bit?

GK: Well, more like the ogling of bits in the shower.

DCN: Well played.

GK: Thank you.

DCN: So, by that rationale would you be okay with being “ogled” in the shower by a man if you did not know he was gay?

GK: Well, you got me on that one.  I’d have to say, yes.  As long as I didn’t know he was gay I would be perfectly comfortable being ogled.  But I would definitely have to NOT know he was gay.

It gets better.  Klingenschmitt, which is German for “dingleberry,” (use your imagination) went on to claim that he had once exorcised the gayness out of a closeted soldier.  When probed about the exorcism, Klingenschmitt described the process of reaching “deep inside the soldier” and “pulling out the demon.” The details (of which we were asked not to relay) sounded much more like a endoscope-less colonoscopy than an exorcism.

The DCN spoke to a group of soldiers who plan to ask for discharges if DADT is repealed.  One bassoon player from the Navy’s marching band – who wishes to remain nameless – agreed to be interviewed by the DCN.

DCN: In your opinion, how many soldiers will ask to be discharged if DADT is repealed?

Soldier: Most of them.

DCN: What?!  Surely, you’re joking.

Soldier: Nope, and I only go by Shirley on the weekend.

DCN: So everyone’s against gays serving openly in the military?

Soldier: [laughter] No, no.  You misunderstand. Some people are but most people don’t really care.  I mean, we’ve been fighting and playing music with all kinds of people for a while now.  Now, all of the sudden, we’re supposed to be upset because someone tells me they’re gay?

DCN: But what about being “ogled” in the shower?

Soldier: Shower? I haven’t had a shower in weeks.  We’re on drinking water rations right now. In fact, if you’ll let me take a shower I’ll let you podcast it to the national Scientology convention.  I’m sure everyone there is gay.

DCN: So you’re not against gays serving openly and you’re not against repealing DADT. Why are all of you asking to be discharged because of it?

Soldier: Are you kidding?  We’ll do anything to get the [expletive] out of here.  It had better get repealed or we’re screwed.

DCN: Or just “ogled.”

Soldier: Well played.

Strangely enough, our nameless soldier had never heard of Klingerschmitt until we showed him a photograph of the former chaplain.

Soldier: That’s a guy?  Then why does he always wear… there’s no way.  Sulley! Get over hear and check this out! You remember that skinny, old stripper from the Al-Jazeera party who wouldn’t take it all off?  Yeah, that’s a dude! I know, right! What a queer.  You’re not gonna print that last part are you?

DCN: Of course not.

2 Comments

  1. Berry Dingle wrote:

    Nice work.

    Thursday, January 27, 2011 at 3:42 pm | Permalink
  2. uncle romulus wrote:

    Thanks!

    Friday, January 28, 2011 at 9:31 am | Permalink

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