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Millions of Illegal Immigrants Threaten: “If this Immigration Bill Does Not Pass, We’ll Boycott the United States”

Dof C – Congress has been working frantically to pass an Immigration Bill that would allow millions of illegal workers to gain temporary and permanent work visas for working within the United States. The fear of losing all their maids, gardeners, pool boys, fence-tenders, and mailbox-putter-uppers has Senators and Congressmen working around the clock.

“We have got to get this thing passed before the summer. It’s already hot as blazes, and there’s no way I’m going to plant all those juniper trees my wife had delivered to the mansion,” exclaimed Senator Ted Kennedy (D) – Mass.

The bill would allow any illegal alien who arrived in the U.S. before January 1st, 2007 to pay $1000 for a temporary “Y-visa” or pay $5000 for a permanent “Z-visa.” However, by receiving either one of these visas, an individual automatically delays him or herself from ever applying for citizenship.

“That bill don’t make no sense to me. I mean, I’ve been a citizen of the United States of Travelers Rest ever since I was born, but I can’t get a visa to save my life. Heck, I can’t get a mastercard, discover card… I can’t even get an American Express card. Now that’s irony,”Larry Hoggas, 34, told the DCN.

Self-proclaimed immigration expert, Burt Reynolds, had this to say:

“Basically, Congress has found a way to outsource jobs to people within the United States. I call it Insourcing. Insourcing is just like outsourcing, only the foreign workers live in the United States. This arrangement benefits almost everyone because employers get cheap, dependable labor – and payroll tax is deducted from most of them – but they never file for an income-tax return, so the government gets to keep that money. Also, they pay their rent on time. I own about a thousand mobile homes that I rent to about thirty-thousand Mexicans, and they always pay me cash.”

We asked Mr Reynolds if there were any downsides to the immigration bill?

“You know what they say, there are two sides to every woman – the side you like to look at and the side you want to punch in the face. The downsides are that the Bush Administration will take credit for creating all these jobs for the 12 million illegals, even though they were already working before the bill, but worst of all this bill will basically make Mind of Mencia a legitimate show.”

Mr Reynolds also added that the proposed measures in the bill would cost around $126 billion and take around two years to get going.

Not everyone is excited about the time it takes the legislative process in the U.S. Hordes of illegal immigrants demonstrated in Washington, D.C. last week to hasten the arrival of the new bill, and to let the American government know that if the bill doesn’t pass soon, “we’re out of here.”

“Illegal Mexicans, like myself, have been pushed around too long in the U.S. You want us to pay taxes, pay for health care, and you always make us show our receipts when we are leaving Walmart. Auto Insurance companies won’t insure us because we drive so poorly, but it’s hard to see out the rearview mirror with twelve people in the back seat. If this Immigration bill does not pass, we’ll boycott the United States!” – Carlos Mencia, host of Mind of Mencia, known by his fellow comedians as “the guy who steals material from funny comedians.”

Most Americans (the ones who can’t afford maids and gardeners) are hoping the legislative process will be delayed long enough for the Mexicans to leave.

“I’d just like to go Walmart or Lake Hartwell without having a pack of Mexicans stare at my wife and my 12-year-old daughter,” Marietta native Rayne Watkins told the DCN.

However, there are some Americans who are worried that the mass exodus of Mexicans might affect them negatively.

“If a bunch of construction jobs open up all of the sudden, I might get kicked off unemployment, and they won’t let me back on disability since they caught me raisin’ hell down at the drag strip. And where are me an’ my family supposed to get our meth if ‘Snakedog’ moves back to Mexico? Gas is too expensive for me to be driving back and forth to Loredo every three hours,” said Billy Ray Gosnell of Slater.

Clearly, the Congress is trying to solve an enormous and complicated problem with a half-hearted plan that’s based around making the government more money and devaluing our citizenship in the process, but what else would you expect from the bunch of white-collar criminals who run our nation.

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