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Keystone GOPs

Who would have thought that opposing a bi-partisan and extremely popular bill that prevents a tax increase for millions of Americans, loss of unemployment benefits for millions of Americans, and loss of Medicare reimbursements for doctors would backfire? Obviously, not the Republican party. Why would a party who champions tax reductions be so adamant in preventing a bill that does just that from being passed?

Maybe, it’s not the extension of the payroll tax cut that bothers them. Maybe, they would like to see millions of Americans lose their unemployment benefits right after Christmas, in the middle of a recession and during record unemployment. Surely, not. That would be ludicrous. Then it must be that they believe doctors should not be compensated for their services. No, that can’t be right either, because we all know how much the GOP love “the greatest healthcare system in the world” by the way they refuse to make any changes to it. Or, maybe, it’s the fact that a few powerful Republicans have gotten their panties in a wad over a refusal to attach, to the bill, a controversial measure accelerating the construction of an oil pipeline.

The Keystone XL is a proposed pipeline that would transport synthetic oil from Canada to the US. Sounds like a good idea, right? Then we could get oil from Canada instead of the country we currently rely on as our top supplier of oil… also, Canada. So, if Canada is already our top supplier, Republicans must want this project passed because it will create some much needed long-term jobs for Americans. Fortunately, Cornell University conducted a study to illustrate how many jobs it would create:

– The project budget that has a direct impact on U.S. employment is between $3 and $4 billion or about half of what industry claims.

– 50% or more of the steel pipe, the main material input used for Keystone XL, will be manufactured outside of the U.S.

– Jobs will be temporary and between 85-90% of the people hired to do the work will be non-local or from out of state.

– Job losses would be caused by additional fuel costs in the Midwest, pipeline spills, pollution and the rising costs of climate change.

– Even one year of fuel price increases as a result of Keystone XL could cancel out some or all of the jobs created by the project.

(above taken from: http://www.ilr.cornell.edu/globallaborinstitute/research/Keystonexl.html)

In all fairness, a Perryman study found that as many as 119,000 jobs would be created but, in all unfairness, the study was commissioned and funded by TransCanada who stand to benefit exorbitantly from the pipeline’s construction. By the way, the Cornell study also found that:

– The Perryman study, which estimates around 119,000 (direct, indirect and induced) jobs is a poorly documented study commissioned by TransCanada.

Holding the American people hostage to facilitate the incorporation of a pork-barrel project that costs much more than it’s worth and provides much less than it’s proponents claim is nothing new when it comes to Congress. As the grandiose claims of the project begin to dwindle away, it becomes evident just who stands to benefit from the project by the few stragglers left rattling cans in its support (see: picture above).

It is worth noting that almost everyone in Congress, Democrat and Republican alike, fully expect this bill to pass with or without the attached pipeline measure as it only makes common sense to do so.  So, why would these hangers-on continue to stonewall the inevitable when, according to John McCain, “It’s harming the Republican party.”? To fully envision how Congress works one must abandon everything one was taught in school about the Legislative branch of our government.  It is much simpler to imagine a giant band of corporate puppeteers with the Congress as their puppets and, right now, we are watching a select few puppets throw a temper-tantrum death-dance as the clock slowly runs out for them.  I’m sure even John Boehner knows his efforts are futile but that doesn’t mean his puppeteer does.

UPDATE: ” According to John Boehner’s 2010 financial disclosure forms, he invested $10,000 to $50,000 each in seven firms that had a stake in Canada’s oil sands, the region that produces the oil the pipeline would transport. The firms include six oil companies—BP, Canadian Natural Resources, Chevron, Conoco Phillips, Devon Energy and Exxon—along with Emerson Electric, which has a contract to provide the digital automation for the first phase of a $9.4 billion Horizon Oil Sands Project in Canada.” (source)

 

 

The Second American Revolution

When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the laws of nature and of nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. That to secure these rights, governments are instituted among men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed. That whenever any form of government becomes destructive to these ends, it is the right of the people to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their safety and happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shown that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such government, and to provide new guards for their future security. –Such has been the patient sufferance of [Americans]; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former systems of government. The history of the present [federal government] is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute tyranny over these states. To prove this, let facts be submitted to a candid world.

[It] has refused [its] assent to laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.

[It] has refused to pass other laws for the accommodation of large districts of people, unless those people would relinquish the right of representation in the legislature, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only. [It] has forbidden [its] governors to pass laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till [its] assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, [it] has utterly neglected to attend to them.

[It] has called together legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their public records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with [its] measures.

[It] has dissolved representative houses repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness [its] invasions on the rights of the people.

[It] has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to be elected; whereby the legislative powers, incapable of annihilation, have returned to the people at large for their exercise; the state remaining in the meantime exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within.

[It] has endeavored to prevent the population of these states; for that purpose obstructing the laws for naturalization of foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migration hither, and raising the conditions of new appropriations of lands.

[It] has obstructed the administration of justice, by refusing [its] assent to laws for establishing judiciary [appointments].

[It] has made judges dependent on [its] will alone, for the tenure of their offices, and the amount and payment of their salaries.

[It] has erected a multitude of new offices, and sent hither swarms of officers to harass our people, and eat out their substance.

[It] has kept among us, in times of peace, standing armies without the consent of our legislature.

[It] has affected to render the military independent of and superior to civil power.

[It] has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution, and unacknowledged by our laws; giving [its] assent to their acts of pretended legislation:

For quartering large bodies of armed troops among us:

For protecting them, by mock trial, from punishment for any murders which they should commit on the inhabitants of [foreign] states:

For cutting off [foreign] trade with all parts of the world:

For imposing taxes on us without our consent:

For depriving us in many cases, of the benefits of trial by jury:

For transporting us beyond seas to be tried for pretended offenses:

For abolishing the free system of [American] laws in a neighboring province, establishing therein an arbitrary government, and enlarging its boundaries so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule in these [states]:

For taking away our charters, abolishing our most valuable laws, and altering fundamentally the forms of our governments:

For suspending our own legislatures, and declaring themselves invested with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever.

[It] has plundered our seas, ravaged our coasts, [bankrupted] our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people.

[It] is at this time [supporting] large armies of foreign mercenaries to complete the works of death, desolation and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of cruelty and perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy… of a civilized nation.

[It] has constrained our fellow citizens taken captive on the high seas to bear arms against their country, to become the executioners of their friends and brethren, or to fall themselves by their hands.

[It] has excited domestic insurrections amongst us… destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions.

In every stage of these oppressions we have petitioned for redress in the most humble terms: our repeated petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A [government], whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.

We have warned them from time to time of attempts [by our government] to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded [it] of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have appealed to [its] native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured [it] by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which, would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence.  [It has] been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our separation, and hold [it], as we hold the rest of mankind, enemies in war, in peace friends.

We, therefore, the [people] of the United States of America, in General Congress, assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the name, and by the authority of the good people of these [states], solemnly publish and declare, that these united [states] are, and of right ought to be free and independent states; that they are absolved from all allegiance to the [federal government], and that all political connection between them and the [federal government], is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as free and independent states, they have full power to levy war, conclude peace, contract alliances, establish commerce, and to do all other acts and things which independent states may of right do. And for the support of this declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our lives, our fortunes and our sacred honor.

New Hampshire: Josiah Bartlett, William Whipple, Matthew Thornton

Massachusetts: John Hancock, Samual Adams, John Adams, Robert Treat Paine, Elbridge Gerry

Rhode Island: Stephen Hopkins, William Ellery

Connecticut: Roger Sherman, Samuel Huntington, William Williams, Oliver Wolcott

New York: William Floyd, Philip Livingston, Francis Lewis, Lewis Morris

New Jersey: Richard Stockton, John Witherspoon, Francis Hopkinson, John Hart, Abraham Clark

Pennsylvania: Robert Morris, Benjamin Rush, Benjamin Franklin, John Morton, George Clymer, James Smith, George Taylor, James Wilson, George Ross

Delaware: Caesar Rodney, George Read, Thomas McKean

Maryland: Samuel Chase, William Paca, Thomas Stone, Charles Carroll of Carrollton

Virginia: George Wythe, Richard Henry Lee, Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Harrison, Thomas Nelson, Jr., Francis Lightfoot Lee, Carter Braxton

North Carolina: William Hooper, Joseph Hewes, John Penn

South Carolina: Edward Rutledge, Thomas Heyward, Jr., Thomas Lynch, Jr., Arthur Middleton

Georgia: Button Gwinnett, Lyman Hall, George Walton

When did our government become the very entity we fought against so long ago?  When we find the new names to replace the old names (above); we will finally begin to make progress.  Stop voting for [expletives].  How about a new party – The American Party.


Tax Time

You might not remember your anniversary or your spouse’s birthday, but one date is etched in the mind of every American… April 15th.  Over the years Tax Time has come to mean several things. For some it’s the time of year that Uncle Sam gives back part of  the money he took out of your checks the previous year (and gained interest on in the meantime). To others it’s the time of year when “momma’s boyfriend” moves back in for a month or so to reap the rewards of her giant child tax credit return.  Either way it’s a great time to fool yourself into thinking that something good is happening.

After the budget debates in a few weeks, Americans will learn just how bad things actually are.  From speaking with an unnamed source who has access to preliminary budget reports, the DCN was informed that the word “unsustainable” appears in almost every one.  What does this mean for the average American? It means the only way out of the mess is government cutbacks coupled WITH tax increases.

Until now, the country’s approach to the looming debt crisis was the equivalent of signing up for another credit card to help pay for the previous ones.  This approach was not exclusively a Democratic or Republican approach as both parties continued to increase spending.  People from each side can try to justify their side’s spending, but the fact remains that they both spent borrowed  money on what they wanted to and now it’s time to pay up.  The only problem is who’s going to pay?

In an age where powerful MEGA-Corporations have bought up the media and the politicians, while simultaneously conning us into choosing one of two sides – Democrat or Republican – so we can fight about illegal immigrants, abortion, guns, gays and prayer in school, it’s easy to overlook a very disproportionate statistic that paints an astonishing picture:

“Enjoying record profits and taxpayer-funded bailouts as the economy slowly recovers from a financial crisis, nearly two-thirds of US corporations don’t pay any income taxes, instead opting to abuse tax loopholes and offshore tax havens. According to this study from the non-partisan Government Accountability Office, 83 of the top 100 publicly traded corporations that operate in the US exploit corporate tax havens. Since 2009, America’s most profitable companies such as ExxonMobilGeneral ElectricBank of America and Citigroup all paid a grand total of $0 in federal income taxes to Uncle Sam. Tax havens alone account for up to $1 trillion in tax revenue lost every decade.” – USUncut

Well there’s one group of people who won’t be paying.  Let’s not forget that these corporations belong in the top 20% of Americans who possess 85% of the wealth.  Yes, you read that correctly, and if you said to yourself, “that means the people with all the money (who don’t pay taxes) are going to make the people without all the money (who pay taxes) subsidize the cost of government spending (a great portion of which is promoted by those same people who have all the money and don’t pay taxes),” then give yourself a cookie.  After all, you’re paying for it.

South Carolina Currency Tied to the Lottery Ticket Standard

District 14 representative, Mike Pitts (R), has introduced legislation that would mandate the replacement of federal currency with South Carolina lottery tickets. According to Pitts, the adoption of Federal Reserve Notes to replace gold and silver coins was an “unconstitutional substitution.”

Pitts makes it clear he is not advocating the return to gold and silver coins as “that would be ridiculous.” Instead he would like to see a new State Reserve Note (eerily similar to a Junior Jumbo Buck). The new currency’s exchange rate will be tied to the dollar amount of the lottery tickets in circulation.

While many South Carolinians are not in favor of a new currency, some are very excited.

“After beer and cigarettes, I always spend what’s left of my paycheck on scratch-offs and lottery tickets.  Sometimes I get a reasonable rate of return on my investment but most times I  lose my rear end, if you know what I mean.” And we do. “The way I look at it – this way – if I lose on a scratch off it will still represent one State Reserve Note.  I’ll at least break even every time. Eat that, Obama!” – Wells Fargot, Huge Cigarette Outlet cashier.

When we pointed out to Mr Fargot that the new currency would only be tied to lottery tickets and not scratch-offs he stormed up to the counter, punched the androgynous cashier in the face and demanded all his “[expletive] money back.”

The DCN caught up with Mr Pitts to find out why SC needed to abandon the federal currency in the first place.  Pitts told us (courtesy of Hotsheet)  that “if the federal government continues to spend money at the rate it’s spending money, and if it continues to print money at the rate it’s printing money, our economic system is going to collapse.”

The DCN has been printing money for years and our economy has done nothing but grown.  We pressed him to elaborate:

“The Germans felt their system wouldn’t collapse, but it took a wheelbarrow of money to buy a loaf of bread in the 1930s,” he said. “The Soviet Union didn’t think their system would collapse, but it did. Ours is capable of collapsing also.”

So are our heads at this point.  Not only would it be illegal to refuse Federal Reserve Notes as legal tender, the value of lottery tickets fluctuate regularly as the potential payout increases and decreases to the tune of tens of millions of dollars.

We agree that the debt to income ratio is extremely out of whack and unsustainable.  We also agree that our system could indeed collapse at some point in the near future if nothing is done to reverse course.  However, printing a new State currency and tying it to the amount of lottery tickets in circulation would be about as smart as… we don’t know… returning to the Gold Standard.

Um… Can We Get A Refund?

This video (removed from YouTube) should be no surprise to anyone who watched Colin Powell’s presentation to the U.N. on February 5th, 2003 and thought: Is that all we have? Some grainy photographs of a building and a truck and the relayed testimony of one anonymous source? Never mind the fact that the source’s claims contradicted U.N weapons inspectors as well as a C.I.A. field operative.

Rafid Ahmed Alwan al-Janabi, codenamed Curveball, recently told the Guardian that he lied about the chemical weapons factories, the mobile labs disguised as trucks, and his ability to save the U.S. up to 35% on their car insurance.  Due his impeccable resume al-Janabi is now in negotiations for a six-year contract with the Fox News Network.

The biggest shock to the DCN isn’t that Rafid Ahmed Alwan al-Janabi lied about the WMDs and chemical warfare program; it’s that he even exists.  The DCN would have bet a trillion dollars that his existence was completely fabricated, and we would have lost about the same amount it has cost us to fight the war.

Which brings us to the next point.  Can we get a refund?  How about some store credit?  We’re not big on saffron and mint but we do go through a lot of oil.  We’re sure we could blow through that credit in no time.  Or is this what we deserve for letting a twit and his warmongers run the country for eight years?

“Maybe I was right, maybe I was not right,” he said. “They gave me this chance. I had the chance to fabricate something to topple the regime. I and my sons are proud of that and we are proud that we were the reason to give Iraq the margin of democracy.” – The Guardian

I guess operative Goofball felt it was okay to admit his deceit since Donald Rumsfeld came clean in his recent memoir about the U.S. knowing Iraq had no chemical weapons program.  Sorry to be a spoiler but it’s only a spoiler if you’ve had your head up your nether-regions this whole time (or you only watch Fox News).

“I had a problem with the Saddam regime,” he said. “I wanted to get rid of him and now I had this chance.”

According to the Guardian – “Janabi said he was comfortable with what he did, despite the chaos of the past eight years and the civilian death toll in Iraq, which stands at more than 100,000.”

Well that makes it all better now doesn’t it.  We’re glad he’s comfortable.  It’s interesting to watch the democratic uprising in the middle east and wonder what would have happened had we waited?  Of course, hind sight is 20/20 and we really only have ourselves to blame for not holding our leaders more accountable.  They can do as they please and come clean in a few years only for us to forgive and forget (mostly forget).

Here’s an idea: Why don’t we lie to China – tell them we have nuclear weapons and chemical weapons that we have used on people. Then ask them to invade us and overthrow our corrupt government?  Only that would be the truth, wouldn’t it?

Someone from Fox News Finally Tells the Truth

Bowels of Hades – Today is a sad day for all the Fox News viewers who haven’t yet committed suicide. After all, how could anyone watch that ridiculous display of ridiculous ridiculousness day-in and day-out without eventually pulling the plug on life?  A former Fox News employee has brought to light what any non-feces-throwing, opposable thumb-possessing human being has known for years – Fox News makes up stuff.

“I don’t think people would believe it’s as concocted as it is; that stuff is just made up,” the insider told Media Matters.

The insider, who will now be referred to as, Thank You Jesus, went on to say that “it is their M.O. to undermine the administration and to undermine Democrats” – as if the Democrats needed any help in undermining themselves. “They’re a propaganda outfit but they call themselves news.”

By now most of you are thinking to yourselves: what’s the big deal?  Fox has a Republican slant, MSNBC has a Democrat slant, and CNN… well, they’re kind of like the taint in all of this mess (and we all know that the taint is a harbinger of infestation).  So who cares if some disgruntled former employee wants to point out the obvious bias that has made the Fox News Network so popular among the intolerant and perpetually angry? But bias (not to be confused with butt bias) isn’t really what this is all about.  We’re talking about complete fabrication, people.  For example:

MSNBC: CIA Agent Reports – No Link Between Sadaam Hussein and Al Qaeda

CNN: CIA Agent Reports – Link Between Sadaam and Al Qaeda Called Into Question

FOX: Sadaam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden Seen Waterskiing Together at Lake Hartwell

Even the DCN makes up less of our stories than Fox News and we’re serious about that claim. The source went on to explain the process from the indoctrination period to the production of a full-fledged Nazi zombie (thanks, CoD):

“When I first got there back in the day, and I don’t know how they indoctrinate people now, but back in the day when they were “training” you, as it were, they would say, ‘Here’s how we’re different.’ They’d say if there is an execution of a condemned man at midnight and there are all the live truck outside the prison and all the lives shots.  CNN would go, ‘Yes, tonight John Jackson, 25 of Mississippi, is going to die by lethal injection for the murder of two girls.’ MSNBC  would say the same thing.”

“We would come out and say, ‘Tonight, John Jackson who kidnapped an innocent two year old, raped her, sawed her head off and threw it in the school yard, is going to get the punishment that a jury of his peers thought he should get.’ And they say that’s the way we do it here. And you’re going , alright, it’s a bit of an extreme example but it’s something to think about. It’s not unreasonable.

“When you first get in they tell you we’re a bit of a counterpart to the screaming left wing lib media. So automatically you have to buy into the idea that the other media is howling left-wing. Don’t even start arguing that or you won’t even last your first day.

For the first few years it was let’s take the conservative take on things. And then after a few years it evolved into, well it’s not just the conservative take on things, we’re going to take the Republican take on things which is not necessarily in lock step with the conservative point of view.

“And then two, three, five years into that it was, we’re taking the Bush line on things, which was different than the GOP. We were a Stalin-esque mouthpiece.  It was just what Bush says goes on our channel. And by that point it was just totally dangerous.  Hopefully most people understand how dangerous it is for a media outfit to be a straight, unfiltered mouthpiece for an unchecked president.”

“My internal compass was to think like an intolerant meathead,” the source explains. “You could never error on the side of not being intolerant enough.” – courtesy of Media Matters

While we really like the slogan – You can never error on the side of not being intolerant enough – we do not think it befits a major news organization that claims to be fair and balanced.

The DCN encourages all of our readers to check out the full interview by clicking one of the Media Matters links above.

Marx: “I told you so.” Atlas shrugged.

If you’ve never read Atlas Shrugged, by Ayn Rand, it’s a fictional (we use the term loosely) account of how government intervention in and control of industry stifled innovation and eventually drove the best and brightest from its throws.  The book also casts social welfare and altruism, in general, in a negative light.  Atlas Shrugged has remained a fairly popular book  since its publication in 1957.

Free market champions frequently cite it as an example of what will happen to America with the expansion of government regulation and social programs. Recently, no group has promoted the philosophies of Rand more than the American Tea Party. Go to any Tea Party rally and you’re guaranteed to see at least one sign referencing Rand or her book.

After all, why should the government be responsible for the general welfare of the indigent and unwell?  Shouldn’t we rely on the private sector to provide support when we find ourselves incapable of self-sufficiency or reach an age when we are no longer able to engage in the level of productivity that once supported us financially?  Not if you’re Ayn Rand.

According to an interview conducted by the Ayn Rand Institute in 1998, Ayn Rand and her husband, Frank O’Connor, signed up for for Social Security and Medicare in 1974. -Associated Press. Atlas stood in line; Atlas signed up for social welfare programs; Atlas was on a “fixed-income;” Atlas shrugged. Even Ayn Rand was not impervious to the perils of aging and the need to make ends meet.

To understand where Rand was coming from, one should know that Rand was born in the former Soviet Union and saw first hand the oppression and corruption brought on by years of government expansion and control.  After being educated in Russia (on the state’s dime), Rand moved to the US and pursued her career as a writer and produced Atlas Shrugged thirty-one years later.

Was Rand wrong? Do we need the government to provide a safety net for the poor, sick and indigent?  Maybe the issue is complex.  Maybe the answer is complicated. Maybe situations change over the course of our lives that make a one-size-fits-all solution impractical.  The fact remains that, given enough time, we will all grow old. Many of us will become ill to the point of not being able to support ourselves financially and many of us will incur medical bills that deplete our life savings leaving our loved ones in a state of despair and insolvency.  The future does not always reward the hard work and fiscal responsibility of an individual.

Maybe the answer lies with Rand.  Ayn Rand did not necessarily ascribe to any particular form of government in spite of what her proponents claim. Instead she promoted reason and action as a extension of reasoning rather than ideology.

“I am not primarily an advocate of capitalism, but of egoism; and I am not primarily an advocate of egoism, but of reason. If one recognizes the supremacy of reason and applies it consistently, all the rest follows.” Rand, Ayn (September 1971). “Brief Summary”. The Objectivist.

If we throw off the armor of ideology and embrace rational thought when it comes to problem solving, then the best solutions will be discovered.  When we put the cart of ideology before the horse of rationality then we end up turning into jackasses.

Ruritan Conspiracy

What do you get when you combine a gaggle of over-bearing parents, a hundred-or-so runny-nosed kids and a few single, childless, middle-aged men, who (to this casual observer) would seem to have absolutely no business in a room filled with children but oddly-enough are tolerated?  Answer: A Ruritan Conspiracy.

For years, the Dark Corner Recreation Department has organized little-league sports for the children of the DC (or Children of the Corner as they are more commonly known).  The DCRD has done an exceptional job in their duties of game-scheduling and field management.  However, when it comes to overseeing the team selection process the DCRD has deferred all authority to local DC parents/warlords in an effort to not impinge (thank you, Larry David) on tribal customs. These tribal customs include but are not limited to things like making the kids wear last years uniforms to the Ruritan building for sign-ups, ceremonial juice box and cheese sandwich consumption, the Great Cigarette-Butt Hunt and, most-importantly, the tendency for the dominant warlords to pick the top COC athletes for their own teams while leaving the stragglers to the Yankee parents who just moved into the housing development.

Season after season the DCRD receive complaints from Yankees throughout the area.

“We get some emails and letters… a lot of phone calls.  Some of the coaches are really upset about the perceived unfairness in the selection process.  We had one coach who set himself on fire outside the DCRD office in Taylors.  They put him out but he lost a lot of his, I guess, recognizability?  Is that a word?” – Jeff Davis, DCRD Czar.

At a glance the motivation for the unfair team selection process seems simple: pick a better team to win more games. How can a team of ADHD kids who forget they’re in a game at the site of an airplane or caterpillar be expected to compete with the dairy-infused child-juggernauts of the DC? Albeit unfair, this motivation is not surprising or uncommon, but the DCN would be doing our readers a disservice if we failed to dig a little deeper.  We caught up with Bob Wozzleknocky, one of the Yankee coaches who claims this little league bureaucracy is rooted in corporate corruption.

“Funding a team at this level can be extremely expensive and solicitation for corporate sponsorships is very competitive.  Corporations like Blue Ridge Automotive and W.E. Willis, Inc. don’t want to waste their time and money funding losing teams.  We get stuck soliciting the dregs of society, and who wants to have Lady Godiva’s on a little league jersey? What we need is a union.”

Not everyone would agree with this assessment.

“Union?! We already defeated them back in 1865.  [uproarious laughter] You tell Bob Wozzlehockey [sic] he can take his team of delinquents back to gene cesspool where he found ‘em.  We don’t drive up north to his Yankee Ruritan building to tell him how to run the show.  If he’d spend half the time coaching that he spends bitchin’ he might even win a game.” – Jimmy Bruce, O’neal Rattlers coach and rotund building contractor in his spare time.

How do you rectify a system so entangled in corruption and nepotism?  Random team selection process, corporate sponsorship lottery or more government regulation of all little league activities?

“Let the kids fight it out.” – Donnie Williamsburg, local bystander/A&A bench-occupier, Esq. “The way I see it, there are usually about ten teams in each age group.  Take the top ten fighters and put each one on a separate team. Then do the same thing with the next ten, and so on.  Eventually, the teams will be evenly matched as long as fighting ability and athletic ability are congruent.  Yes, that’s right. I said congruent… crossword puzzle.”

Unfortunately for the DCN, our interview was cut short when two Jehovah’s witnesses mistakenly knocked on the door of the Ruritan building at the very moment the cheese sandwiches and juice boxes were unleashed.  The feeding frenzy was incredible leaving a trail of bread crusts, plastic sandwich bags and broken glass in its wake.  The one surviving Jehovah’s witness was severely maimed and forced to recant his heresy before being released into the DC.

While there is little hope of this problem being sorted out in the short-term, we at the DCN feel that pandering to special interests groups like Yankees will lead to its own set of problems.

“If you give them an inch they’ll march to the sea.” – Donnie Williamsburg

US Gov’t Declares War on God

Former Navy chaplain, Gordon Klingenschmitt (yeah, that’s his real name), was recently quoted on a radio show as saying the repeal of DADT (Don’t look At my D[expletive] in the shower Turd-muncher) is a sign that the “government has declared war on God.”

He added that there would be a “mass exodus of Christians leaving the military [due to] open homosexuals who are ogling them in the shower” and even implied that the US would need a “national draft” to make up for this loss.

The DCN caught up with Klingerschmitt at a truck stop shower in Gastonia.

DCN: So you’re against gays serving openly in the military, correct?

GK: Correct.

DCN: Because of the whole “ogling” in the shower bit?

GK: Well, more like the ogling of bits in the shower.

DCN: Well played.

GK: Thank you.

DCN: So, by that rationale would you be okay with being “ogled” in the shower by a man if you did not know he was gay?

GK: Well, you got me on that one.  I’d have to say, yes.  As long as I didn’t know he was gay I would be perfectly comfortable being ogled.  But I would definitely have to NOT know he was gay.

It gets better.  Klingenschmitt, which is German for “dingleberry,” (use your imagination) went on to claim that he had once exorcised the gayness out of a closeted soldier.  When probed about the exorcism, Klingenschmitt described the process of reaching “deep inside the soldier” and “pulling out the demon.” The details (of which we were asked not to relay) sounded much more like a endoscope-less colonoscopy than an exorcism.

The DCN spoke to a group of soldiers who plan to ask for discharges if DADT is repealed.  One bassoon player from the Navy’s marching band – who wishes to remain nameless – agreed to be interviewed by the DCN.

DCN: In your opinion, how many soldiers will ask to be discharged if DADT is repealed?

Soldier: Most of them.

DCN: What?!  Surely, you’re joking.

Soldier: Nope, and I only go by Shirley on the weekend.

DCN: So everyone’s against gays serving openly in the military?

Soldier: [laughter] No, no.  You misunderstand. Some people are but most people don’t really care.  I mean, we’ve been fighting and playing music with all kinds of people for a while now.  Now, all of the sudden, we’re supposed to be upset because someone tells me they’re gay?

DCN: But what about being “ogled” in the shower?

Soldier: Shower? I haven’t had a shower in weeks.  We’re on drinking water rations right now. In fact, if you’ll let me take a shower I’ll let you podcast it to the national Scientology convention.  I’m sure everyone there is gay.

DCN: So you’re not against gays serving openly and you’re not against repealing DADT. Why are all of you asking to be discharged because of it?

Soldier: Are you kidding?  We’ll do anything to get the [expletive] out of here.  It had better get repealed or we’re screwed.

DCN: Or just “ogled.”

Soldier: Well played.

Strangely enough, our nameless soldier had never heard of Klingerschmitt until we showed him a photograph of the former chaplain.

Soldier: That’s a guy?  Then why does he always wear… there’s no way.  Sulley! Get over hear and check this out! You remember that skinny, old stripper from the Al-Jazeera party who wouldn’t take it all off?  Yeah, that’s a dude! I know, right! What a queer.  You’re not gonna print that last part are you?

DCN: Of course not.

Obituary: Speedway, Riverside, 32

LIMA – Riverside Speedway, venerable mainstay of the Upper Reedy Valley social scene was found brutally murdered beside the Cherokee Foothills Parkway this week. She was 32.

While police have no suspects in the crime, highly-placed sources at the Krispy-Kreme on Pleasantburg Drive identified serial land-rapist Jim “Asphalt Andy” Anthony as a person of interest.

The corporeal remains were discovered by a group of anthropology students from Furman University who told authorities they were in the area looking for “local color” and that their whole dorm has a cold which explained the six cases of Sudafed in the back of their Range Rover.

According to law enforcement officials, Speedway was strangled to death sometime in the last two years, and have unofficially identified the murder weapon as “some kind of mulch.” When asked to comment on the case, Greenville County Sheriff’s Department spokeswoman Chariesse Renaldo “Gunslinger” Jones said, “Well, we just got a new box of pens. I guess maybe we could fill out a form or summin’.”

Speedway resided at the intersection of SC Highway 11 and SC Old Highway 11, on the banks of the North Saluda River, and served a generation of race fans as the original Third Place, a point of social contact for grease-stained, gap-toothed, locals — sort of like a big Sunday School without all the judgment and attendance-taking, and (a little) less hostility — as well as a recruiting depot for a certain secret society.

“I just don’t understand it,” Ronald Burgess, Jr. said. “If there’s no Riverside, where will we go on Fridays; who will we fight with?”

His younger brother, Ronald Burgess, Sr. tried to answer the question philosophically, “I guess we’ll just have to burn somebody’s pool house down.”

Many local boys had their first fight at the Speedway over who had the fastest car while many local girls came of age in the back seats thereof. When asked how the death of Riverside would affect her, Alice M.F.G. Smythe looked wan, and asked, “Can I get a cigarette?”

Services and final interment will be held October 20. As soon as the red dust settles, Anthony’s bulldozers will, once again, go to work burying the last verstiges of Greenville’s mountain culture. In lieu of flowers, mourners may drop of a cracked block, rusted doghouse, burned up hog’s head, or a Molotov Cocktail at the headquarters of Cliffs Communities, Highway 25 & Highway 11.