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Parking Garages in Downtown Greenville Will Require “Mark of the Beast” for Free Weekend Parking

GREENVILLE – Due to overcrowding and the constant influx of tourists into the metropolitan areas of the upstate, County Council has decided to require citizens who wish to park for free in the parking garages on the weekend to obtain a temporary or permanent mark (the price varies) on their right hands or foreheads. Anyone who receives a permanent mark will be entitled to a lifetime of free parking. However, anyone taking a temporary mark will have to return to his/her rural subdivision after one year to apply for a new permit.

We spoke with Mayor Knox White about potential reactions to this new policy.

“At first, we thought people would be opposed to it, but then we realized that most people came to downtown at night to get drunk and have sexual relations with people with lower self-esteem than themselves. It’s that sort of people who are use to having their hands – and possibly foreheads – stamped when they enter our fine, formerly smoke-free establishments. Implementing this new policy should be a walk in the Reedy River, heh heh.”

We asked the mayor if he thought eternal damnation was a fair trade off for free parking.

“Well, the way I look at it is most of these people are going to hell anyway, so why not make a buck off of them. Five percent of proceeds will go to erect a statue of myself in the new dog park.”

We’re sure it will be christened regularly. Not everyone is so enthusiastic.

“I ain’t going to hell for free parking. I’ll just walk an extra block or two to get drunk. Besides, it gives me a chance to pee in the back alley behind Piazza Bergamo,” the Greenville Chief of Police (who wishes to remain nameless) told us.

Earth No Longer Needs Van Halen

It’s official: the world no longer needs Van Halen. After hearing them played on one local radio station anywhere from twenty-five to a million times a day, the Dark Corner News decided to conduct a survey to see whether or not there was anyone who still liked Van Halen.

The DCN surveyed the entire Earth’s population only to find that absolutely no one still liked Van Halen. We found three REO Speedwagon fans, one Styx [pronounced Sux] fan, and an ungodly nine Journey fans but no Van Halen fans. Not one person said that they would be willing to turn and eye to the left, the right or any direction to catch a glimpse of a Van Halen concert. Even the band members themselves said that they preferred never to hear themselves play or be played again.

Van Halen was formed in the early seventies by three brothers – Eddie, Alex and Michael Anthony (he got two names because he weighed twice as much) and former kickboxer/womanizer and professional tight pants-wearer, David Lee Roth. The band strove for a pseudo-metal sound mixed with rock n’roll and extreme tackiness. Lee Roth’s cocaine-fueled catterwauling gave the band a distinct sound that kept them from being labeled as “cliche” or “listenable.”

However, their friendship came to an end in 1985 when an argument between Eddie and Lee Roth (over which is better: dog meat or horse meat?) ended in Eddie being shot in the mullet.

The brothers Van Halen tried unsuccessfully to reform with Sammy Hagar (no relation to “the Horrible”) who was an equally heinous singer with a taste for alcohol, women and alcohol. Although, the albums they put out as “Van Hagar” were even worse than the ones before, Sammy managed to convince Eddie that they could save a bunch of money on car insurance if they switched to Geico, so he let him live in his house for another eleven years until Valerie kicked them both out.

In 1997, Michael Anthony ran into former Extreme front man, Gary Cherone [pronounced What were they thinking?], while in line at the local methadone clinic, and asked him to front the band. Until then, Cherone’s only claim to fame was managing to combine two of his favorite things in naming Extreme’s second release Pornograffiti.

After two years of his tomfoolery the rest of the band decided to travel to the netherregions known as “hiatus.” We at DCN salute you for your contribution to the modern world and respectfully ask that you plague some other planet from now on.

Sean Hannity continues to be an [expletive]

SEAN HANNITY’S ANUS – Can you remember a time when a fat lard with a douche-bag haircut, whose journalistic credentials are made up solely of hosting a college radio show and picking his nose on AM radio, got so much air time? Many of you know Sean Hannity from his bumbling shout-fest Hannity and That Other Guy Who Looks Like He Has AIDs on the Fox News Network. But have you ever paid attention to the excrement billowing out of his mouth?

Hannity is one of many talk show hosts (because he’s not a journalist) who is good at the game of Attack the Messenger. How is this game played, you might ask? It’s very easy.

First of all, you invite people you think are not intelligent to come on your show like celebrities, other talk show hosts, activists and people with quieter voices than you.

Secondly, you ask them closed-ended questions that contain your personal answer to the question within the question.

Next, you interrupt the guest as soon as the answer isn’t going your way, and if someone presents any factual evidence that contradicts you, you should immediately do one of the following: accuse the facts of being false, change the subject, ask a different question, accuse the guest of failing to answer your question or just go to commercial (people who watch Fox News can’t remember anything they saw before a commercial, but they will remember that you were right about whatever it was you were talking about).

Finally, the best way to attack the messenger is to discredit him/her in anyway you can even if it is not true or has nothing to do with what you’re talking about.

For example: “Do you think the myth of global warming has been perpetuated more by Hollywood liberals or notorious homosexuals?”

Guest: “Well, first of all, I don’t think it’s fair to call global warming a myth. Scientific evidence shows that the average temperature of the Earth has steadily been increasing over the last century with the hottest temperatures on record being in the last few decades, which corresponds to the increase in carbon emissions during the same period. Also…”[host interrupts]
Host: “Yeah, but no one in his right mind believes in scientific evidence and why do you refuse to answer my question. I bet it’s because you know they’re both to blame. We need to go to commercial. When we come back, we’ll ask my liberal homosexual guest why he doesn’t think that NASCAR is really a sport.”
Guest: “But I never said… [host turns down guests microphone].”

So the next time you’re watching Sean Hannity, Al Franken, Tucker Carlson, Bill O’Reilly, Chris Matthews or anyone other than Bob Barker for your news, pay attention to the deceitful games they play and you’ll realize that they never really talk about anything past the superficial level, you don’t actually learn anything from watching them and they don’t give a crap about facts or finding the truth. You might as well watch The Price Is Right or Andy Griffith reruns instead.

Tony Trout: Man, Reptile or Homosexual

With the massive routing of Thomas Jefferson Warwick III by Joe Dill in the recent election still fresh in the voter’s minds, a very small few are asking who was this white man with the black man’s name, what was that strange symbol on his election signs and how did he end up in the DC.

The fact is that nobody knows why he has a black man’s name other than maybe the obvious reason and only his mother can solve that mystery. As far as how he came to reside in the DC, an area known for its tolerance, that subject is still being researched.

However, facts have surfaced about the strange whip-wielding figure on his election signs. Some believe that it has occult overtones. Earl Higginbotham remarked, “I seen his signs up in Saluda when me and my brothers were slipping in the watershed to fish. That do-hicky on that sign looked like a devil symbol, like maybe the devil was whipping somebody.”

Warwick’s lone supporter thought it was just a symbol of his environmental position as observed by Gert Weinberg, a recent immigrant to the DC from New Jersey, “Jefferson’s little sign reflects his post-modern view of how the people down here have abused mother earth.   It shouldn’t be feared – the people down here should be feared….” The rest of Weinberg’s answer was inaudible as Jim Anthony’s D9 CAT cranked up to knock the top of off Watson’s mountain so that Weinberg and his new neighbor’s could get a better view of the wilderness.

Most people, however, believe it is a symbol of the blood pact between Warwick and Tony Trout, a notorious homosexual. When questioned on this allegation, Trout replied, “ Sure . . .  me and Jeff got a special relationship. I call him Flyrod because he’s so flexible he can get the bait into really tight spaces . . . and I’m the Big Mouth Trout . . . get it?” Trout refused to comment further on the whip.

Blade Cited for Tax Evasion

LEFT COAST, THE – Wesley Snipes is in the news again and this time Blade is taking on the biggest group of vampires known to man – the IRS. Snipes has been indicted for filing false returns in 1996 and 1997 and failing to file returns from 1999 to 2006. Snipes, like many other graspers of straws, has tried to enact “section 861” of the tax code (not to be confused with section “1861” which actually does absolve Snipes of paying any taxes at all).

Section 861 is an often-misinterpreted clause that pertains to foreigners who accumulate wealth while in the United States – namely, the Saudi Arabians.

Snipes could not be reached for comment because he is in Nambia filming his next movie which is scheduled to wrap up sometime after the statute of limitations runs out for tax evasion. However, Kris “Whistler” Kristopherson had this to say:

“They took my wife… murdered her in front of me, those [vampire expletive]. That wasn’t enough for ’em. They got my good friend Willie Nelson too… took all his pot and sold it to pay his debt. Now they got Blade. I guess we’ll be making Blade IV to pay for this one.”

A word of advice for the DCN audience: pay your taxes. And if you don’t, remember to shoot the IRS agents with silver nitrate bullets or decapitate them when they come a-knocking.

Scientology Fires Tom Cruise

MERGATRON 6 – The Church of Scientology has to draw the line somewhere and their line begins where Tom Cruise’s thetans end. L. Kraz Morcar (formerly known as L. Ron Hubbard) issued this telepathic statement through his agent, Ari Gold:

“We were forced to terminate Thetan Cruise’s membership in the Church of Scientology & Technology (C.O.S.T.) due to the behavior he has exhibited in the last several months that is inconsistent with our business… um, beliefs.” Mr Gold added, “Besides, we already have Isaac Hayes, what do we need Tom Cruise for?”

Apparently, Tom Cruise never fully understood Scientology but decided to make himself the poster boy for it. Rumor has it, the one-time box office superstar disregarded the C.O.S.T. manual just as he would any other script.

“Yeah, I gave him the manual, the cheat codes… I even gave him some leather eight-slot bags to put his items in, but he just wanted to wing it. Next thing you know, he’s asking me for some gold and he wants to borrow my Mighty Axe of the Scimitar +7. I told him he should just cancel his $15 per month subscription if he wasn’t going to complete any of the quests.” – John Travolta

Tom Cruise was supposed to meet us at Spago for an interview, but Mr Gold told us he had to cancel at the last minute. Evidently, he forgot to put water in Katie Holmes’ bowl. Sources say it was the “jumping up and down on the instrument panel of the Millenium Falcon” incident that put Morcar over the top.

The news of his expulsion came as a shock to his family and friend, but the majority of Americans are unsettled by this news, primarily, because they’re afraid of what he’ll do next to draw attention away from his closeted homosexuality.

Christian Theme Park Loads of Fun

ORLANDO – Maybe Walt Disney had it all wrong but the DCN can’t seem to wrap our minds around a theme park that, quite frankly, isn’t any fun. There are no rides or funnel cakes and the characters are Roman soldiers who go around whipping Jesus and crucifying him at the end of the day. Now who wants to have your picture made with them? And you thought your kid cried when Pluto tried to give him a hug.

The park, which was purchased by (you guessed it) Trinity Broadcasting Network, had been in financial trouble until TBN stepped in to purchase it with their untold fortunes amassed from Social Security checks nationwide. TBN hope to use their theme park as a set for filming television shows and movies “the way Universal Studios does”.

Interestingly enough, the park was formerly owned by a Baptist preacher from New Jersey named Rev. Marvin Rosenthal who is Jewish. After continuously losing money and being crucified with paradoxes Rosenthal decided to sell his park to TBN.

TBN plans to ramp up the excitement of the park by offering several new attractions including The Stoning Booth and The Wave Pool of Galilee. There will also be some animal attractions and a place where children can feed the lepers.

Fox News Renews Contract with Devil

REPUBLIC OF HADES – How could a cable news station started 10 years ago rise to be the top rated cable news show in America. Could it be, Satan? That’s right. Call him what you want to, but look through the names of the board of directors and you’ll find: A. Paul Leon, B.L. Zebub, Lucy F. Urr, Jeff Istopheles, Nicolaus Claus, the list goes on for eternity.

Last week, in a no confidence vote, Rupert Murdoch was replaced as chairman of News Corporation (earthly owner of Fox News) by Andy Christ, who is the offspring of Tom Cruise and Barbara Walters. Rupert “Howling Mad” Murdoch is merely a pawn of the Dark One. The only time he one-upped the Prince of the Power of the Air was when he sold his soul to him a second time under the name “Keith” Murdoch. Keith is (was) actually his Christian name. But go right ahead Howling Mad Keith and enjoy those treasures before the moths and rust get them.

The first order of business for the new chairman (who asks to be called The Andy Christ) is to collect the soul of Howling Keith, then feed him full of laxative and drop him off at the First Baptist Church of Scientology in Los Angeles. No matter what he does, everyone seems to love this guy (chuckle).

80% of Americans: State of the Union was a Rerun

THE DC – They probably would have gotten away with it except for one small detail… the voice-overs from the cast of Mystery Science Theater (found within the parentheses). Here are the highlights.

THE PRESIDENT: Thank you very much. Mr. Speaker, Vice President Cheney, members of Congress, distinguished guests, fellow citizens: As we gather tonight, our nation is at war, our economy is in recession and the civilized world faces unprecedented dangers. Yet the state of our Union has never been stronger (in the 21st century).

We last met in an hour of shock and suffering. In four short months, our nation has comforted the victims, begun to rebuild New York and the Pentagon, rallied a great coalition, captured, arrested, and rid the world of thousands of terrorists, destroyed Afghanistan’s terrorist training camps, saved a people from starvation and freed a country from brutal oppression.

The American flag (burns) again over our embassy in Kabul. Terrorists who once occupied Afghanistan now occupy cells at Guantanamo Bay (right beside Fez from That 70’s Show). And terrorist leaders who urged followers to sacrifice their lives are running (Iraq and Afghanistan).

The last time we met in this chamber, the mothers and daughters of Afghanistan were captives in their own homes, forbidden from working or going to school. Today women are free (with purchase of goat), and are part of Afghanistan’s new government (sanctioned brothels). And we welcome the new Minister of Women’s Affairs, Doctor Sima Samar (Samichmaker).

Our progress is a tribute to the spirit of the Afghan people, to the resolve of our coalition, and to the might of the United States military. When I called our troops into action, I did so with complete confidence in their courage and skill. And tonight, thanks to them, we are winning the war on terror (on every planet except the Earth). The men and (sometimes) women of our Armed Forces have delivered a message now clear to every enemy of the United States: Even 7,000 miles away, across oceans and continents, on mountaintops and in caves – you will not escape the justice of this nation (just ask O.J. Simpson).

Our cause is just, and it continues. Our discoveries in Afghanistan confirmed our worst fears and showed us the true scope of the task ahead. We have seen the depth of our enemies’ hatred in videos (see: Borat), where they laugh about the loss of innocent life. And the depth of their hatred is equaled by the madness of the destruction they design. We have found diagrams of American nuclear power plants and public water facilities, detailed instructions for making chemical weapons, surveillance maps of American cities, and thorough descriptions of landmarks in America and throughout the world (and that was only at one Barnes & Noble in Kabul).

What we have found in Afghanistan confirms that, far from ending there, our war against terror is only beginning. Most of the 19 men who hijacked planes on September the 11th were trained in Afghanistan’s (no relation to Iraq) camps and so were tens of thousands of others. Thousands of dangerous killers, schooled in the methods of murder, often supported by outlaw regimes, are now spread throughout the world like ticking time bombs, set to go off without warning. Our military has put the terror training camps of Afghanistan out of business, yet camps still exist in at least a dozen countries (all of them named Saudi Arabia). A terrorist underworld — including groups like Hamas, Hezbollah, Islamic Jihad, Jaish-i-Mohammed — operates in remote jungles and deserts, and hides in the centers of large cities (like Riyad). But some governments will be timid in the face of terror (Canada and France). And make no mistake about it: If they do not act, America will.

Our second goal is to prevent regimes that sponsor terror (Saudi Arabia) from threatening America or our friends (Saudi Arabia) and allies (Saudi Arabia) with weapons of mass destruction (unlike the ones we didn’t find in Iraq).

The next priority of my budget is to do everything possible to protect our citizens and strengthen our nation against the ongoing threat of another attack. Time and distance from the events of September the 11th will not make us safer unless we act on its lessons. America is no longer protected by vast oceans (but we will be when the polar icecaps finish melting).

A few days before Christmas, an airline flight attendant spotted a passenger lighting a match. The crew and passengers quickly subdued the man, who had been trained by al Qaeda and was armed with explosives. The people on that plane were alert and, as a result, likely saved nearly 200 lives (however it turned out that the man was using the match to mask the scent of his bowel movement).

The way out of this recession; the way to create jobs is to grow the economy by encouraging investment in factories and equipment and by speeding up tax relief so people have more money to spend. For the sake of American workers let’s pass a stimulus package (not like the one Mark Foley was trying to pass).

Blah, blah, blah. Next time, why don’t they skip the State of the Union and just shoot off a bunch of fireworks. That would work much better as a diversionary tactic. Americans are getting smarter [uproarious laughter] and they’ve come to see the State of the Union address for what it really is: the same old bovine excrement; just a different bovine doing the excreting.

Confused Contestant Brings Golden Calf to American Idol Tryouts

LOS ANGELES – Onlookers were intrigued last week by a young Israeli man who wheeled in a golden calf to the 2008 American Idol tryouts. 24-year-old, Aaron Mooby, claimed he was “just trying to win the contest.”

“Do you know how many earrings I had to melt down to make this? How was I supposed to know this was a singing contest?”

How indeed? Mr Mooby had even named the calf after his favorite anti-Semitic judge, Simon Cowell. Although, Aaron felt like he had made the most embarrassing mistake of his life (except for the time that he wet his kippot in Shul) he managed to figure out his error just in time to perform for the judges. His stirring rendition of Radar Love had the audience captivated and immediately after his performance the crowd began to fall down and worship him… or so he thought.

You see, what happened in Aaron’s mind and what really happened are two different events. For the most part, people who try out for American Idol actually believe that they can sing and so did Aaron. Also, in the world according to Aaron, it would not be unrealistic for people to fall down in awe of his musical ability and worship him. His brother, Dick Mooby, told the DCN that the crowd began praying to the golden calf in hopes that it would help them qualify for the next round of American Idol.

“These kids will do anything for attention, especially if they think it will help their chances of winning. If you ask me, the only thing more ridiculous than a bunch of kids worshiping a golden calf is Scientology.”

What’s so ridiculous about a race of aliens who colonized the Earth with other aliens who they later destroyed so their souls could plague us with negative feelings until we give washed up Hollywood has-beens money to help us rid ourselves of the negative souls? If you ask me, I think it’s well worth the $15 a month to get that WITH free software upgrades AND unlimited access to the World of Warcraft.